Saturday, December 7, 2013

Waking up

It was a few days after my birthday. My fiance was supposed to be back the next day, but the stupid government shutdown caused him to be delayed 30 days. I was surprisingly ok with the delay, but I was having a hard time dealing with him being gone. He's an active duty soldier, and he was supposed to be "home for my birthday." Here it was. A year later and he still was not home. And I Missed him. He always made me smile-  no matter how bad the day was. Being with him made my day better, even from the first day I met him.

 I could feel the desperation building for the 2 weeks beforehand. I knew my birthday was coming- I'm always sensitive about my birthday- and I knew he wasn't going to be home, so I knew I had to spend it with someone. I couldn't blame him or be angry with him or burden him because he could not change anything. He was in Kuwait. He was a soldier. I know what that means. I signed up for this, but some days its hard to love a soldier. I broke down crying to my best friend only 4 days before because I thought she was not going to be able to do anything with me. I knew I couldn't be alone. I begged her to stay with me- to keep me busy- to distract me from my loneliness. From spending a birthday alone. From missing him the day he was supposed to be home. I'm a strong, loving woman. This day i needed a friend to help me carry my burden. I missed my soldier.

So there I am in a bar over an hour and a half from my home. I never really drink and with my stomach ache, I was sober celebrating my birthday. I was too afraid to go out alone. I very rarely get nervous, or scared, or shy, but that day I was so sad I could hardly stop crying. I used to work in a bar, so I don't find them very fun. I wanted to karaoke. I wanted to dance with my chick friend- my best friend from high school. I needed her to make me laugh. We stood away from the rest of the bar while she tried to cheer me up. She was making me laugh, but every once in a while a tear would still fall out. I hate crying. I couldn't confide in my soldier- I knew he was struggling too. I couldn't burden him. I dislike the corruption of the government, but this corruption affected my life in an intimate way. How could I be mad at my fiance? This was the corrupt legislatures fault. this was a story they would never understand. This is who gets hurt when the government doesn't do its job. It was about a half hour before sunset. I was starting to be really silly. My memory flickers. I'm confused.

I have a fantastic, intimate dream of my fiance. I dream. I even dream about him, but this was a hot, sexy dream. It was like I was making crazy love sex with him. I'm so euphoric. I cant wait for him to be home.

WAIT! what is That? That's a naked man laying next to me. 
It woke me up from my sleep-
I know my fiance isn't home yet- what the HELL?!?! 
As I startle awake, I can definitely feel a naked man next to me- so I frantically concentrate on my vagina.
Oh Thank God! It doesn't hurt- I didn't have sex!! 
I sit up- COMPLETELY NAKED except for a beaded necklace advertising booze. The Fear hits me- I have NO CLUE where the hell I am, but I should not be here,
As I peek around the room I notice a broken window, glass all over the floor, I am in a nice comfy bed with good linens and I hear the naked man as he wakes up. The first words out of his mouth are:
Do you even remember my name?
UH- FUCK NO! I don't know where I am, I don't know who You are and I don't remember a Fucking Thing! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Why Am I Here?
Your fiance's name is  [name is removed- but yes, that's my fiance's name], isn't it?
Uh, Yeah- How the fuck did you know that?
You really don't remember what happened?
Seriously man, I don't know anything. Where are my clothes? Why am I naked? Did we have sex? Did we use protection? What the hell happened?
The guy begins to go rigid with fear.
No. You said you were on the pill.
OMG. [nervous laughter] I'm not on the pill. We had sex? And we didn't use protection? And I told you I was on the pill? My Fiance isn't home. I don't need to be on the pill!! Why would I be on the pill? Why would I tell you that?
And then the laughter begins.
Fuck- that's funny. I must have told you that because I thought you were my Fiance. Did I really call him my fiance? I don't usually call him that because he hasn't bought me a ring yet.
I practically run- stumbling the whole way- to the bathroom. I pee and even have a little loose stool.
What the Hell was that about? Am I going to be sick? ..... nope...... not nauseous.........Huh.... I feel great actually. I have energy! I feel Great!
I nervously gather my stuff- my shorts with my underwear cozied inside the crotch still- like they came off together- right as I entered the apartment. His shorts only a foot away from mine. My bra and shirt and activity monitor that I had been wearing on my right tricep all night was tossed all over the bedroom.
That is so weird- why would I take off my pants first instead of my shirt? Did I give him head? Because it doesn't look like I did- the clothes wouldn't be there. Why Wouldn't I take my shirt off FIRST? Why wouldn't I give him head- that is weird......
I turn on my phone- it has 6% battery.
Damn! I don't know my friend's number or her address! Id better text her so she can call me back on his phone.
I got a hold of the babysitter after I texted my friend. My friend never responded to my text, but the babysitter says she just got home. She got lost twice last night- the first time looking for me. My best friend's fiance had come home after hours of looking for her the second time. They lost me early in the evening- where have I been? Why didn't I call? I tell her I don't know and I'll be there shortly. I can hardly stop laughing.
For the next hour and a half I wait impatiently for a cab- all the while drumming up details from the guy about what happened.
...Yeah- they totally cut you off because you were wasted! I kept trying to get you drunker though! Hahaha. Man you were out of it!.....You even got into an open cab behind some people and we rode with them to my house. They wanted to come to my house too, but I sent them away with the cab...... When you got here you went all the way up the stairs.
Yeah that's because I live on the third floor.
Yeah but I live on the first.
Yeah....but I obviously was confused.
And even though I'm nervous, I'm still laughing and joking about everything. The cab guy calls THREE times delaying his arrival.
I still cant believe you don't remember me. You were so passionate. I thought you really liked me.
But wasn't I talking to you about my fiance the whole time? Why would you think I'd like you? 
I thought you really liked me. Will you call me?
FUCK NO I'm not going to call you. I never would have slept with you if I wasn't so wasted. I love my fiance. I'm loyal. There is no way in hell I would have cheated on him. I must have been out of my God Damned Mind!
So you aren't going to call me?
HELL NO.........Dude I cant take it anymore- call another fucking cab company damn it. This dude is ridiculous.
The next cab company is called and shortly there after the cab arrives.

No way am I letting this dude know where I live- or where my friends live. Who the fuck is this dude? OMG. He is totally not my type. How the hell did this happen?
After a long cab ride, I finally get to my best friend's house. The babysitter tries to tell me the story that has been pieced together so far. I got lost early in the evening- I must have walked away. My best friend got lost looking for me and she was able to finally find her fiance after using a phone- but her memory is gone too- shes missing about three hours during the first three hours that I have no memory. Our memories are gone starting about the same time. She hasn't even realized it yet because she doesn't understand that even though her memory felt seamless, her story has a distinct place where something happened- a big chunk of time is missing, but to her it made sense.... so far. I plug in my phone and wait for the charge to get high enough to turn on the phone- I HAVE to tell my fiance.

Are you going to tell your fiance?
Of COURSE I'm going to tell my fiance- why wouldn't I? If I hide it from him and tell him later, how is he ever going to trust me? Besides, I love him. I cant hide anything like this from him! He'll understand- he used to be a drunk. He'll understand.
As I tell my friends what I remember, I'm laughing and joking. Everyone is staring at me like I am out of my mind.
Are you fucking kidding me?
[Oh my best friend. I love her. Shes so honest! Why is she looking at me like I'm crazy?] It's so funny. Man I feel great- I haven't even had my meds since yesterday- I should be a slug, but I have Energy! I feel GREAT!! Why don't I always feel like this after drinking? I usually get so hungover!! Lmao. I have to tell my fiance. But what do I say- all I can think to say is, "I just woke up naked next to some stranger!" No way I can just say that- he will have a heart attack! How will he be able to handle that- I have to figure out a different way to say it- but I have to tell him!!
I tell him I had a great night- I don't know why. I felt great! But then its down to business- I need to tell him about how I woke up. He asks me questions and I'm vague. I let it loose pretty early that I went missing and I woke up in a strange place. After a few questions, he zeroes in on the waking up in a strangers house.
Yes. Please ask me. I don't know how to tell you. Keep asking.
Did you wake up with all your clothes on?
There it IS! No! No I didn't!
Immediately the conversation shifts- He gets furious. I don't even understand Why. Not even close. NO CLUE why he's mad. I feel like a bird that is looking at something, cocking its head, trying to figure out everything.
Why is he so mad? 
And I mean clueless. He refuses to speak with me.
Oh man. He's pissed! Why is he so angry?
After a long period of self-reflection- and its long because my thought process is so slow. So SLOW. I think about how I woke up. Why was I in bed with another man? How did I let myself get so drunk? Especially since I hate drinking. I never get drunk in public- I'm too afraid of it.
OMG!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!! I wasn't DRUNK!! I forgot!! I had stopped Drinking!! I WAS SOBER!!! I LOST MY MEMORY- BUT I WAS SOBER!!!!........omg......I was drugged.......i was drugged....OMG. 
Then I realized why I was laughing:
I was High. OMG I was high. I WAS HIGH AS A KITE!!!!

Immediately I contacted my fiance- But he wouldn't answer my text. He refuse to call me. I started to freak out.
Why wouldn't he talk to me?? I needed to talk to him!!


A little more than a month later, my now ex fiance is in our apartment. I asked him to come- to look me in my eyes. To see I was telling the truth. He refused to look me in the eyes.

I don't understand. I just cant believe you. I know a lot of other beautiful girls that have vaginas and they aren't getting raped.
I lose it. [OMG. How can he say that? Why can't I keep guys from raping me?]
There is no way some guy raped you without you doing something to make it happen!!
[I didn't want this to happen- I was being safe! I wasn't talking to anyone- just my best friend. I don't know how this happened! I didn't do ANYthing to DESERVE this!! To ASK for this!! Is this really happening??]
How can I trust you to have my kids when you cant even keep people from raping you?? You cant even take care of yourself??!!??
[Numb. I'm numb. Did he just really say that??] I never even thought about it like that.... Just leave now- I never want to see you again. This is too much.