Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Date Raped (part 3)

Are you ok?
I'm fine.
You don't seem fine. Can I come check on you?
Sure. Whatever. But I'm busy tonight. I have to work. You can come over tomorrow night.
Ok. That works for me too. I will see you tomorrow night.
Ok. See you then.

Yeah right. What does my ex care? He'll forget or find something else to do. It will all blow over by then in his mind and it will go back to business as usual. He's not really worried about me. Not genuinely concerned, it is a fake concern, or even a well-meaning concerned that is fickle. Give it time, it will go away.

Finally after about 2 hours, I was able to tell my friend what happened. She only reacted with a, "Oh, well that's what happens when you are alone with guy. You should have never have been alone with him."
But he earned my trust.
Well that's what happens.

After talking to my ex, the idea that I had been date raped hit me over and over again. I could not stop thinking about it. Finally it became too much, and I decided to confront my attacker. I asked him to meet me at a Starbucks halfway between us, without letting onto my intentions. He tried to blow me off for another day, but when he tried to refuse, I made him an ultimatum, trying to force him to meet me. There was no way I could wait another day without confronting him.

He seemed pleased to see me- enjoying the gratification of winning a woman over. It was a weird mesh of being valued as a person and yet he treated me like I was a number, an object of his gratification, another number on his scoreboard. Getting me into bed had been his challenge, and now he thought he had me, hook, line and sinker.

We made small talk in the coffee shop as he bought us both coffees. Standing there acting polite to the man that had just raped me made me feel weird. But I waited until we could go sit outside in the relative privacy to confront him. It seemed forever before we got our drinks and walked outside. We found a unique place to sit outside near the drive thru window. I am pretty sure they could hear our whole conversation.

Sorry I forced you to come all the way out here to see me, but I really had to talk to you.
Oh dont worry about it.
I wanted to slap that smug look off his face. The reason I brought you here was because I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night.
Oh yeah it was great.
You do realize you date raped me, right?
WHAT?!?!
You date raped me.
No I didnt
Yes you did.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No I didn't.
YEs, you did.
You wanted to have sex with me.
How in the Hell do you figure that?!?
You loved it.
Choking back on revulsion, I literally choked on my words as I spoke to him. Oh really? Is that why I covered my vagina with both hands and told you no for 45 minutes? Because I Wanted you so badly?
You wanted me.
That is not how I look when I want someone. I dont tell them no, cover my vagina, and refuse to let them stick it in me. I say yes. Why couldn't you respect that I didnt want to have sex with you?
But you did.
Only in your mind, not in reality.
Well then why did you give me head?
Because after you forced yourself into me, I was trying to enjoy it. But I couldn't even enjoy that. But how would you know the difference?
See. You enjoyed it.
Again, I audibly gagged out of reaction. Believe me, sex with me is much more exciting than that. If I wanted you so badly, why didn't I enjoy it? Why didn't I orgasm? Why didn't I ask you for a repeat, because I'm not a one time a night kind of girl. We would have had sex all night long.
But you did cum.
HAHAHAHA! Oh yeah? Maybe in your mind, but I went limp, not became more rigid. Are you always this bad at sex that you thought I was enjoying it?
With that comment, I sparked a ripple of anger that at the first time scared me of him. You wanted it.
I did not want it.
You wanted me.
No, I was not that into you. Actually, I wasn't attracted to you.
Yes you were.
Believe me, I would have been all over you, and last night, the best you were going to get out of me- ever- was a cuddle.
You wanted me. You enjoyed it.
No amount of you telling me that changes how I feel. You can't just tell me I enjoyed it, because I didn't. But the reason I wanted to talk to you is because I wanted you to know I Didn't want it. That I didn't enjoy it. That you Date Raped me. You should respect a woman when she says no, not force yourself, literally inside her, hoping to change her mind. If you were so amazing and charming, I would never have said no. But I did not want to have sex with you.
Yes you did. You loved it.
You date raped me.
Don't make me lose my wings. I dont understand why you are doing this to me.
Im sorry, What?!?! I'm doing this to you?
Just because I didn't call you this morning, you want to get back at me by saying I raped you?
Wow!?!? WHAT?!? That's what you think this is? OMG! I hold my hands over my vagina and tell you no for almost an hour before you trick me into penetrating me, and you are the victim here?
Please dont make me lose my wings.
I came here for an apology. I came here to confront you. I came here to make sure you never did that again, to any other girl.
Im not going to apologize because you wanted it.
Oh WOW.
You wanted me.
Only in your mind. Look I can see we are going round and round on this, so I'll quit wasting both of our times and leave.
Dont make me lose my wings.
Never. Do that. Again. To anyone else! Because If I ever find out, I'll tell them what you did to me, too.
 You wanted me to have sex with you.
Whatever, dude.

That whole day was a blur. I am pretty sure I worked that night. Over and over in my mind what he said repeated. How he could think I wanted him- that I was trying to be a challenge by saying no- bothered me. I made it exceedingly clear I did not want him. How could he not see that? He was not even apologetic. He tried to convince me I had wanted him. He is going to do it again.
As badly as I wanted to turn him in, I felt bad. He had worked hard to work his way up the ranks to fly helicopters. I felt sorry for him. Guilty. In his mind he thought what he was doing wasnt wrong.
Bullshit! HE knew it was wrong! Im being stupid.
But to lose his hard work over one mistake? But he wasnt even willing to apologize, to concede that he had pushed it too hard. That he had not respected my wishes. That he didn't listen when I said no.
Just when I finally had the courage, and the anger, to turn him in, it hit me. It is going to be his word against my word. And even though I am a nurse, he is a captain in the army. They will drag my name through the mud. They will make me look like a whore and make a big production about how I wanted it. No one will ever believe me. I could end up losing my job and having to move to escape what he would say, because once we open up that issue, he can say whatever he wants to protect himself and none of it will be pretty.

It sank in. Not only would I never get an apology, I would never get justice. Not saying anything was the best option. Living with rape was something I already knew how to do.

And as the minutes passed, I felt more and more disgusting. The feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me before the day was over. My body slumped over. The feeling of numbness made every interaction dulled.
IF you know me, you know me for my charisma, my animated expressions and the liveliness in everything I do. I could not laugh. I could not sing. I was on autopilot. Over and over again, the only thing that played in my mind was how dirty and disgusting I felt. How worthless I was. Fighting every moment to keep my mind on something else, I tried to cope with what I was going through by thinking in the moment and staying busy.