Wednesday, December 11, 2013

the Hospital


After speaking with my friend's parents, I finally had all my stuff together and drove home. Admitting to her parents that I believed I was drugged had begun to make the idea stick in my mind. The denial was still heavy. I still had trouble understanding the gravity of the situation. I was confused, but mentioning the drugging and saying it out loud made things start to click in my mind. Unfortunately, my thoughts were still moving so slowly.

As I hit the highway, I had driven the route barely enough to begin to remember to do it without being guided solely from my GPS and so I was driving numbly. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head that I had to have been drugged. The night before- every detail I could remember- played over and over in my mind. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get that one piece to fix the puzzle. That missing memory wasn't there, and I couldn't figure out what happened.

As I played the scenario over and over in my mind, I contacted the one nurse I could think of- my fiance's best friend was dating a nurse. I hit her up on Facebook. I had a lady I called mom that was closer by and also a nurse, but I didn't think she would know anything about what to do for a rape or a drugging.

Hey..... I think I got drugged last night. Should I go to my primary care physician or the emergency room?
Ummm ER probably. So that they can drug test you
That's what I was thinking. I gotta pee so bad- but I don't want to lose evidence.
Yeah I don't blame you
Yup. I ended up blacking out after I was sobering up. And I didn't drink much- got a slight buzz. It's weird. I didn't enjoy the way I woke up either......
Uh oh.
Yup!
Yea I would go so you know exactly what's in your system especially for work so u have evidence ya know
Exactly. Plus I'd better be careful. I'm good now, but I pass meds in the am.What if I start having issues tomorrow? I don't want to get anyone hurt
Yea that's why you should go now
Yup. I'm leaving ASAP. Waiting on the daycare lady and I'm gone.
That way you know what to expect
[My fiance] is pissed. Fuck. I don't blame him
Yes never good to drink too much without your significant other around
I was with my BFF. So I thought we were good. But I don't remember anything after about 7, lost her and her fiancé, and no one remembers seeing me drinking after the last drink I remember. I wasn't acting like I do when I get buzzed and I didn't drink enough to get drunk. Even if I had, after all that dancing I did I would have sobered up. Something's up. And I'm not hungover either. I'd be hung over and would've woken up still drunk
That is weird
Yup.....
But don't u feel weird after you're drugged
I was walking on sunshine this am. And I missed three doses of my meds, so I shouldn't be!!

The whole drive I could hardly hold me pee, but I knew it was important. I didn't dare drink any water even though I was parched. I could barely talk my mouth was so dry. The only reason I even drove home was to meet with the babysitter because she was going to work for me in the morning but she was about to go to her other job for the night. It was the only time. Luckily it was a quick meeting. Except when I got to my house, she wasn't even there. She was bugging me to be early and I Told her I was on the way to the hospital, yet she made me wait a half hour. Finally I spoke with her, gave her the tour of my house, told her a few details of what happened and left immediately with my son to the closest emergency room.

Since I moved to San Antonio, TX in July, I had yet to visit the emergency room. While I was looking for jobs as a nurse I realized that there were a few hospitals extremely close to my house. It took me longer than I expected to get to the closest ER, but it was still only about 10 minutes. My healthcare had yet to kick in from my job, so the medicaid was all I had. As soon as I walked in to the Emergency Department, the first thing I checked was whether or not they would see me. In large type against the triage reception wall was a sign laying out the laws of the State of Texas- That I had to be seen for an emergency, that I had to be stabilized or transferred to the closest hospital for my care, and that I could not be refused care regardless of whether or not I could pay. Still I asked if they accepted my insurance. (It is at this moment I want to let the readers know that it took me months to have my nursing licensed transferred from state to state and that is why I was on it- I left a great paying job with fantastic health benefits to move to be with my fiance) When the admitting secretary said that they do in fact accept my insurance, I immediately told her succinctly-

I was out last night. I started drinking midday, but sobered up by dinner time. However I don't remember anything after 7pm- but I wasn't drinking then. I was sober. I woke up naked this morning with no memory after 7pm and I think I was drugged. I need to have my urine and blood tested and I need to have an exam done. And I haven't peed in hours, even though I need to go really badly, but I don't want to lose the evidence.

They gave me a urine cup right away, even before I met with the triage nurse. OH MAN! Was I relieved!! I went immediately and provided a "sample" and as I brought it back to the counter, they were already calling me back to the triage nurse. After repeating identifying myself as a fellow nurse and repeating my story, they took my vitals and sent me back to the waiting room. No sooner had I sat down and gotten comfortable then they were calling me back to be seen. A long walk to my room- yes no wheelchair, at this point I was walking ok and I was really happy and relieved  to be seen so quickly. As I walked into the room I saw the hospital gown. The nurse was giving me a rundown of what was going to happen and mentioned that they brought the gown just in case they needed to do an exam.

OH NO. We will definitely be doing an exam. I don't know what it looks like down there. I just woke up naked with someone I don't know. It could be ripped to shreds. I don't even know what happened. You will definitely be doing an exam. I need you to do one of those pelvics to makes sure I'm ok. Plus i need to be checked for STD's. I don't think I was Rape raped, but I definitely didn't consent to sex. Plus my mouth was bleeding this morning when I woke up. I don't know what happened. You have to do The exam.
Well did you call the cops?
No! I was always taught that if you get raped, you go straight to the hospital for an exam, even before the cops so that evidence can be collected. I came straight here as soon as I could right after I realized what happened. I didn't even realize it for most of the morning. But you can go ahead and call the cops. I need to call them, but I wont be able to from my phone now that I'm here. They need to come get my report. Will you call them for me?
Ok. Well we'll be back shortly to check on you. When we need to do your exam, you can change then.
Oh no. You Will be doing my exam. I will change immediately. I will wait. I'm not leaving until I get one. I don't know what happened last night, but I woke up naked with a stranger and my last memory is me being sober. You Have to do an exam on me. You know- one of those exams [motioning to my vagina]. 
Would you like something to eat or drink?
You know I feel pretty disgusting, so maybe I can get some crackers, but could you also bring me a drink for my son and a water for me, now that I have already given you a urine sample?
You've already provided a urine sample?
Yes. I left it on the triage counter top with the receptionist. She knows whose it is.
Ok. I'll be back shortly.

I changed immediately. I hadn't taken off the clothes since I got dressed that morning, so I was still in the filth of my rape. I was in the hospital room with my son. He had heard all of my conversations that whole day- I had no one to watch him, so he went with me. He played on my phone and my Kindle while I waited for the doctor. I laid there for only a second when the nurse came back with refreshments. After she left, I slipped in and out of sleep. I remember shaking as if more violently than being cold in sporadic bursts. I couldn't hardly stay awake, not necessarily because I was tired, but mainly because the gravity of the situation was hitting me.

I was DRUGGED. I was RAPED.

My son was digging through my purse and pulling out everything. I tried to stay awake and watch him, but I was in and out of consciousness. An hour passed and I had yet to be visited by a doctor- or anyone else for that matter. I hit the call button. A few minutes later my nurse returned.

You hit the call button. Is there something I can help you with?
Yeah, I've been here for an hour- what's going on? Why haven't I seen anyone? I'm kinda freaking out here. 
Oh. I thought they had already seen you.
No. No one has been by since the last time you were here.
Oh. Ok I'll go check to see whats going on.
Thank you.

A short time later a different person, who I am assuming was either a different nurse or a doctor came in and spoke to me.

Hello- So you are here today to be seen for a possible drugging?
Yes.
Ok well we are going to get a sample of your urine.
I already gave you a sample of my urine.
Oh. We already have a sample?
Yes I gave it to you guys even before I was seen in triage.
Oh ok. Let me go check on that.
Ok...??

Two hours passed and still nothing- but I was mostly out unconscious, so I didn't notice the passage of time- and when I woke up, I never woke up long enough for a complete thought- press the call button. But I remember my shaking when I went through the lighter periods of consciousness. If the shaking got violent (it mostly was), it would disturb my rest. Then I finally heard voices close enough to my room for me to know they were finally here to see me.

Ok. You've been discharged.
WHAT?
You are free to go home.
BUT, BUT...
You can go home now.
But no one ever looked at me- I haven't gotten my exam yet.
Oh they think you are fine.
But I never even got the results of the drug test.
What? They didn't give you the results of the test?
No. I never got the results! You guys haven't done the exam yet. You guys haven't taken my blood.
Well the results are all negative.
Well what did you test for? I don't know what happened to me, but I woke up naked. If you didn't test for the right things, it wouldn't matter if the results were negative. What did you test for? It's important!
Oh I'm sorry, but I cant print them out for you.
Well how do I get them?
Well you'll have to come back and request them. You'll also have to follow up with you primary care physician.
what? [at this point all my fight had been knocked out of me- I had no energy. My voice became weak. I couldn't think. I was devastated. I went into pure survival mode. I felt like a zombie.]
Yes ma'am, it's time to leave.
But you didn't even do the exam. You didn't even look at my body or look at my gums.
Let me walk you out.

I changed slowly. I had tried arguing, but the words wouldn't even come. The devastation was hitting me, compressing me, choking me. I couldn't think. they had handed me discharge instructions entitled possible drugging and to which it only said follow up with primary care physician. I held my sons hand. Left the discharge paperwork in disgust and walked out quickly from the Emergency Department crying.