Sunday, December 8, 2013

the Silent Treatment

My fiance was the kind of guy that rarely got upset, but he got annoyed a lot. Like a grumpy old man. I loved to sweeten him out of his bad mood. Sometimes it was as simple as listening to him vent, a sexy smile, poking him, or telling a joke. When he was really ridiculous, only sex with him with get him to relax and quit being a jerk long enough for him to realize he wasn't living in the now. I always tried to make him live in the present. To see the small things. To laugh at the tiniest things. To smile because we only have now. And when he did, I had a partner in crime. He always made me so happy because I could be myself- just as long as I didn't lose control of myself emotionally- which rarely happened. And when it did, I didn't lash out, I reached for him and he was always there to comfort me.

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It had been days since I heard from him. When he gets really upset he won't talk to you. I hate the silent treatment. I really hate it- I've been abused physically before and that was always the sign I was about to be beaten, so I was trying to give him his space. I know he's not handling this well. He's upset. And of course he has reason to be- rape doesn't just happen to the victim, but it happens and it affects everyone they know: their lover, their children, their family, their friends, their job. He may not have been the one penetrated, but he was raped too. But I needed him. I hate needing people. They always let you down. They get angry if you need them. They make you feel bad if you ask them for help sometimes. I rarely accept gifts or help from people because if they dont get the emotional return they were looking for when they gave it, they end up becoming bitter. Id rather avoid that altogether. I had been pleading with him to talk to me.
As time passed, and the realization became clearer that I had been drugged and raped, I was getting more and more upset. I was nervous. He was the person I needed to talk to. I hate needing people, but at that moment I knew I needed him. I needed him to listen. To tell me he still loved me. I had lost everything the first time I was raped, so I just needed to know he was still there. I am strong, but I only wanted to know that he was still in love with me even though I had been violated.
After bugging him for hours the first day, he finally told me he would talk to me when he wasn't so upset. I was horrified, but I knew I had to wait. He needed his space. I could totally respect that. ..... BUT I NEEDED HIM!! His telling me to wait helped. It was still an open door. I was soothed for the moment. I tried to go to work the next day, but my babysitter called out sick. IT was too much. I couldnt handle all the extra stress, so I took the day off too. I got my son ready for school and took him in. After I dropped him off I came home and spent the rest of the day sleeping, exactly how I had been since I left the hospital the night before.
I called my best friend.
OMG! What if I lose him because some asshole raped me! I can't do this again! I cant get raped and lose everything again just because some asshole had to rape me! What do I do?
Relax. He loves you. He's not going to leave you because you got raped. He just moved you across the country. He's suffering, too. He's a guy. You know how they are. They need to protect you. Since he's still in Kuwait he just feels guilty that he couldn't protect you. And what's worse is he can't fix it now. He's stuck there and he cant do anything.
You dont understand. If I lose him I'll just die. I've never loved anyone like this. This is the first man I've ever trusted. I trusted him enough to let him take care of me. He's the first man that ever made love to me. You dont understand. His first wife was a total cunt. She cheated on him all the time. He thinks I cheated on him. I've been here, I've given up everything. I moved across the country. Sold everything. Waited over a year for him and if I lose him over This? OVER THIS? It will just kill me. I've already lost everything before. I cant do this again. I've worked so hard. I gave up the first 4 years of my son's life to go to college and work and take care of us, AND SOME ASSHOLE can just rape me and RUIN ALL MY HARD WORK!! How do I recover from this if he leaves me?
I dont know sweety. But just hold on. He isnt going to leave you over this. He loves you. He's just upset. Give him some time. Hes trying to process it all.
I'll just die if he leaves me
Ohhhh. Dont worry. He loves you.

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I laid down in my bed all day. I was so upset I felt the world was squishing me. I couldnt move. I was so numb. I was desperately clinging to hope that he would talk to me. I secretly spoke with only a few people. I was waiting for my soldier to contact me.
And he didnt.
I picked up my son from school and tried my best to feed him. I laid down the rest of the night. I was so scared. I was petrified. Later than normal, I sent my son to bed. He fought me a little more than normal. He was obviously upset he had been so ignored all night. But I was barely breathing. I hadnt cried yet. I was paralyzed.
Finally about 11 pm I got up and called the cops. I had asked the hospital to call them, but they never showed, so I can only suspect they were never called. I called the non-emergent number and they re-routed me to the emergency number. However, the emergency number wouldnt dispatch the San Antonio police to take my report. They pushed me to return to Austin. I was shaking.
I cant drive. I cant drive all the way back to Austin. You dont understand- I'm not doing so hot. I dont trust myself to drive all that way. I drove home to San Antonio, but I was still in shock. 
I'm sorry ma'am, but we dont have jurisdiction.
Yes but cant you send someone to take my report and then transfer the report to Austin when its done?
No, I'm sorry. We cant do that.
So I have to wait until I can safely return to Austin before I can report my rape?
Yes, ma'am. Unless you can get someone to drive you.
I dont know anyone! I just moved here! My fiance is in Kuwait! I dont have anyone that can help me!! [starting to sob]

Well I'm sorry ma'am, but we can't help you. You'll have to return to Austin.

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Finally the call came. Three or four days later. And I bawled.
Hi babe. [like he knew I had been waiting]

OMG. [sobbing with abandon] Why havent you called me? I NEEDED YOU! Ive been waiting. I know youre upset, But I NEEDED you damn it.
I know- Im just having trouble believing your story.
Well I dont care. I need you. You know Im not a slut. You know Im not a cheater. I dont give a shit how hard this is for you right now, I need you. You shouldve called me. I NEEDED you. I was trying not to, But I NEEDED you damn it. [sobbing uncontrollably]
I know babe.[sounding guilty]
[more sobbing uncontrollably]
Babe...... babe [this time with a twinge of pain in his voice]
I needed you. I Actually let myself need you. I dont need you to fix me. I'm not a problem. I just need to know you are gonna be here if something bad happens damn it. This has been so hard for me. When I woke up, I knew the first person I needed to talk to about this was you. Now I DONT CARE if this is hard for you, damn it I need you right now. Dont fix me, just love me. Just be here if I need you.
I know. Im sorry [actually sounding sorry for the first time]. I hate to think that anyone would get hurt [back to sounding half concerned, half justified]. That something like this would happen to anyone, but I'm just having a hard time believing your story. First you told me you were drunk, now youre telling me you were drugged.
Well if you had called me when it happened instead of ignoring me, you would have heard how high I was. I never got hung over. I didnt have my meds for a whole day. You Know if I dont have my hypothyroid meds I have no energy. I had enough energy to do backflips- but I hadnt had any for a whole day. I hadnt even had coffee yet.
Well you should have been safer. You shouldnt have let this happen. If you hadnt been out drinking
I was sober you asshole. Fucking sober.
Well when people go out and drink this is what happens.
You know what- fuck that! I havent even been out in a year! I never go out to the bar! I can go out if I want to! I can drink in public! HELL I can get Wasted in public. That doesnt give some dude the right to rape me. That is a RIGHT I have! I have the RIGHT to go out in public. That doesnt mean I can get raped just because some asshole wants to rape me. That doesnt give him the ok to rape me!!
Well you should have been safer. This is what happens when people go out drinking. Obviously you were hanging out with the wrong friends.
Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Thats my best and oldest friend. We werent talking to anyone. We were just standing there. I didnt even set my drink down. I literally held it in front of me the entire time. How is this my fault?
You shouldnt be so careless.
OMG you totally didnt just say that!! I cant believe you just said that!! That blows me away!! How can you say that?