Thursday, December 12, 2013

How It Feels

Oh. This has been hard. I've never been so traumatized. After losing everything for the second time in a row, I am devastated. I have worked so hard to get to where I am- I have spent many sleepless nights going to college and waking up the next morning to go to work. There has been so many days where I have not seen my son- and he was not with family. I have given up my son's early childhood to get to where I am at. I want to take care of him. My nightmare of a life has been so horrible, that is the one thing that I had hoped never to let my son experience: the homelessness. I never want him to know the fear that I have known. The desperation that comes from not knowing if you will eat- because you have already missed a few meals. And the worst part is why- because I was raped. I have come from nothing- literally nothing. I was raped as a child. I was 15. After the incident, I was disowned by my family and left with only my schizoaffective mother as support. And she scared me. I never knew when she was going to freak out and get violent. Who knew a rape could lead to so much devastation? When I went to school- It was my one place to escape the horror of what I was going through; It was the one place that I could pretend I was worth more than what people were valuing me as. And yet..... I was harassed constantly by my principal. I came from noting to get to where I am at. To avoid being raped and losing everything. And yet- here I am. Again. I was raped and I lost everything that was important to me- the feeling of safety, my fiance, my son's safety, my value and my job. So now my goal is to reach other rape survivors. I want to help other rape survivors tell the world how they feel, And when they do tell the world how they feel and what happened to them- and when they do- I will be there to embrace them in their pain and their desperation. I understand. I was there. And I want to stand in the face of adversity and let other rape survivors know that I am there to care, That I understand. That I am there when everyone else pushes them away. Call on me if you need it. Talk to me if you have no one else to care. Tell me how you feel. I will care, I understand. And I want to hear your stories. There is healing in admitting the shame- believe me, I know.