Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Date Raped (part 1)

My ex fiance, before we got serious, had dated me for a few months. We were close from the first day we met- spending nearly everyday together. When we weren't together, we texted all day long. After 5 months I told him I was ready for hm to call me his girlfriend, but I expected him to ask me to be his girlfriend- not just assume it.
I don't want to make you my girlfriend.
WHAT?!?!?
As soon as I give you a title, you will change.
Not me. Im not going to change just because of some stupid title. I want a title because I deserve it and its getting ridiculous trying to explain who you are to me. Boyfriend is much easier than this guy ive been dating for months and spending everyday with.
Well I do not want to call you my girlfriend.
Well I deserve it, so I guess we are over.
Ok. 
Ok....Wow.

After he clearly made his decision, I stopped talking to him and started dating again. Finally single in my late 20s after my separation from my husband, I had met him early in the dating game, so I began to enjoy a string of dates after we split that I had yet to do before we met. A few weeks into dating other people again and probably only a week of not talking, he called me up. It was obvious that I was still frustrated with him by my tone, but he won me over quickly.
Will you come eat dinner with me?
I already told you, you are cut off. I deserve to be someone's girlfriend and if you cant make me your girlfriend, I dont want to be with you.
No. I mean as friends.
As friends? Oh, so you think I am just going to roll over and let you be with me without the title? Not happening!
No. I am lonely and I enjoyed your company.
What?
And I was hoping you would just come and eat dinner with me so I didnt have to eat alone.
Well I have my son with me.
He can come too.
Oh yeah? This is just friends eating dinner together?
Yes.
Dont expect to get any because it is not gonna happen.
No. I just want to be friends.
We always were good friends, huh?
Yes.
Ok.

From there we became friends again. We dated other people, getting and giving dating advice to each other. I was much more open with him- plus I had more people to date than he did. The day came when I asked if I could have a friends with benefits relationship so that I wouldn't "settle" for a new guy I normally wouldnt just because I was sexually frustrated. The rule was if there was anyone else, we had to end it immediately.

There must have been over 50 men I dated during that time, but I could not find anyone I was remotely attracted to. Not a single guy I even wanted a second date with. Finally I met someone online I wanted to meet in person that I was genuinely excited to meet. He flew helicopters as a captain in the army. We talked and got along great. Physically we both found each other attractive. There was one thing I was worried about- he was 2 years younger than me, but I was hoping that his maturity would make up for his age difference.

There has never been a guy I dated before that was even my age, so that was the one thing I suspected would derail his chances. However I was so excited about the idea that I would like this guy that i told my friend (who would end up being my fiance later) I couldn't sleep with him anymore. There is only room for one man with me, and this guy deserved a real shot; my friend and I had already ended our relationship.

The new guy and I set up a date- a Saturday night where we could hang out late and I could sleep in the next morning.This guy was nice and sweet and funny. I trusted him and found out his info so that if he tried anything stupid I would report it to his commanding officers. It was a safeety precaution I took for when I dated military men. We agreed even if the date went bad that we would snuggle- no sex- because we both were lonely and enjoyed snuggling so much.

This guy had created a night for me in Seattle to woo me. First he picked me up and drove me an hour to Seattle downtown. We had a drink, then went to a nice restaurant, walked around downtown, and afterwords, went out to a dance spot that was supposed to be a fun place. We had a few drinks over the 4 hours- but we were not drunk. At some point he tried to prove how great of a dancer he was. Instead of dancing, he humped my leg to the beat. Literally trying not to gag, I tried to help him dance better, but he really thought he was dancing well. Didnt see that one coming!

The date ended and he took me home. As hard as I tried, the damage had been done. I really wanted to like him, but I was right; there was just something about him that I did not like. Maybe it was his age. The dancing did not help! Whatever it was, he did not have the je ne sais quoi, that indescribable character that I was attracted to. However, I was definitely wanting to try to make it work- maybe end up being friends? As hard as I tried, I did not even want to kiss him. Maybe the snuggling would change things for me. When a guy can lay next to me and keep his hands controllably to himself, I find that incredibly respectful. That becomes a positive and sometimes can turn the tide for someone i am on the fence about.

After I got ready for bed in the privacy of the next room without him watching, I lay down next to him in my bed. It was just the two of us in my apartment and he had treated me respectfully the whole date. There was no inkling in my mind of what was about to happen. No crazy strip tease or disrespect for my boundaries. No forcing ideas onto me, instead he let me choose what happened all night.

I lay down next to him and took a deep breath as he put his hand on my hip. Cuddling was definitely something I missed after being separated from my husband. But instantly I realized this was not cuddling as he pulled my panties off quickly and smoothly. I rolled onto my back and tried to grab my underwear before he stripped them off of me completely.
NO! What are you doing??
You won't be needing these. 
No. I said looking him firmly in the eye in a panic. Holding both my hands over my vagina to keep him from penetrating me.
Yes.
No! (How the hell did he get naked so quickly? He was JUST fully dressed except for shoes!)

Yes. 
No. Seriously no!

Every time I tried to use my hands to get him off of me, or to roll over and out from underneath his frame, he tried to penetrate me. When I held both my hands over my vagina and tried to roll or kick my way out from under him, he deftly kept me from going anywhere. Even with both of my hands over my vagina and my legs struggling to get between his to close better, he still tried to push himself inside of me as he used his legs between mine to keep my thighs open. We were at a stalemate. The only way I was going to get out of this was to talk him out of it. To reason with him. To make him understand that I did Not want to have sex.

For the next 45 minutes I squirmed and pushed as best as I could with both hands covering my vagina and exhausting every approach to get him to stop or get out from underneath him. Nothing worked.

How did I not see this coming? There were not any signs!