As a nurse, I have spent an extensive amount of time studying the social sciences (anthropology, sociology and psychology) as well as physical sciences (biology and chemistry). Since I started my career in the medical field, I have almost exclusively worked with psychiatric patients.
My favorite thing about the psychiatric subfield is that I still get to do medical work, but I spend a lot of time focusing on the social and psychological issues. Challenges are my favorite. Plus spending time an getting to know my patients is important to me. Nursing would not be worth all of the hardships if I was not able to bond with my patients.
All that being said, I am still a human with my own personal trials and struggles. My life has been one of hardships and disappointments, but I keep a good attitude and take it all as it comes. Sympathizing with my patients is sadly all too easy.
My life has been lonely and I often feel detached and ungrounded without a family or a place to call home. Making home and family everywhere I go, I have friends and family all across the United States, but I always feel alone and I never feel that I can call on people, unless it is convenient for them as well. Instead I can share my story with anyone- and at times I did talk to anyone who would listen.
For years, my brothers physically abused me. Learning to keep to myself, and getting a lot of practice with problem resolution, I learned how to manage abusive relationships. There were a few times I was actually seriously hurt, and once I nearly died. Each time I had to fight for myself to get my most basic needs met.
Playing around with my brothers I accidentally broke a bone in my foot. After a week my brother finally convinced my mother to take him to the doctor. Yes you read that right. My younger brother was mimicking me for attention, literally following behind me as I tried to walk. My mother took him to the doctor. Luckily I was able to beg and plead my way into going with them. Finally after betting my mother I was genuinely in pain, she resolved to prove I was faking my injury. She acted in shock when she realized I had a broken foot, not my younger brother. She never gave me an apology.
My father was watching all four of us as we played at the indoor pool at the apartments he lived at. Curious by nature, I liked to look in the bug catch thing by the side of the pool. Though I thought I put the lid on it correctly, I apparently did not. My eldest brother ran around the pool and misstepped into that hole. Once he got hurt he became furious. He realized quickly that I had been responsible for his accident and jumped into the pool to get revenge. He held me under water for so long that I began to pass out. Luckily I had been playing with a life jacket that day and it lifted me up when I was too weak to struggle for air. By the time I made it out of the water, I was blue. My father never even got up to punish my brother or to check on me. That moment created a lasting effect on me that I still struggle with today.
Between my mother, my father, my brothers, and then my stepfamily, I knew without a doubt that I was alone in the world. Although I have always thought there was something wrong with my family, I did also internalize a lot of my worth because of how they treated me. After the rape and trying to make it by myself for a few years in high school- with being kicked out of multiple families because an extra mouth to feed is apparently so much trouble- I began looking to sexual relationships to survive. The fact that I needed a man to have a roof over my head and a car made me furious- it had nothing to do with how hard I worked ( I had 3 jobs at the time and was still dependent on a man). It made me feel like a whore because my roof was dependent on me having sex with someone- not my intelligence, work ethics, dependability, or character. Nope. Just sex.
Falling into abusive relationships was easy for me. Not that I looked for them, I just apparently attracted only the biggest jerks. No one ever hit on me. For the longest time- only until the last few years- I was under the assumption that there was something wrong with me that kept guys from wanting a relationship with me. Well decent, handsome, intelligent guys. It turns out that many men in my home town have incredible respect for me, and were quite attracted to me, but I was "unattainable." How I blew that I will never know.
Please do not misconstrue the abusive relationship attraction. The sexiest thing in a guy is a nice, respectful man. But I managed to get nice guys with serious issues. But I am so great at relationships- or at avoiding/resolving confrontation- that I would end up in a long relationship with someone who had serious drug/anger issues.
After nearly 8 years of a tumultuous, abusive relationship, my husband had beaten me about 5 times. However, I always felt it was due to his own mental breaks and I did not take it personally. He mainly abused me through neglect and the threat of violence. It wasnt until I was cooking dinner one day, that he walked up to me after the mood had been happy in the house and began to choke me. In that moment I realized I was going to get killed if I kept my marriage. Divorce was not an option I had ever considered until that attack. The way he choked me with a sneer on his face looking me straight in the eyes struck this deep fury in me. I HATE IT when people try to kill me (yes, its happened before).
After leaving my husband, I spent a year to myself before I began to date again. That is when I met my ex fiance. He was the first man I could trust, but it scared me. I kept scouring our interactions to see where the abuse would come in. Feeling as though I had a natural attraction to abusive relationships, I kept my guard up. However, he earned every bit of my affection. We never fought, so I tried to confront him with every issue as it came, to keep myself from avoiding conflict- I ran to it!
Now I am sure that I have bonding issues. A person from my past sought to compliment me by saying I had that gypsy quality to me. They did not realize it was because I have trouble engaging in relationships. My friends are either super close or practically deeply personal acquaintanceships. Having a conversation with me, you would probably disagree, but my oldest friends know better, even if they could never identify it.
So look, every issue we go through shines light on places in ourselves that we need to grow. As I have suffered through my own personal losses, I realize that I stay detached from people, I avoid situations that can be confrontational (but I am considerably better), that I search for relationships to "save" people (much better at that too!) and I move across states away from people because I feel like I dont belong anywhere. As much as I have tried to create my own "family" I have failed Miserably by settling for relationships that further destroy my trust in the "family bond." This time I am resolving to face these issues head on- openly- to keep myself in check.
Waiting. Alone. These have been my most deeply, painful experiences. But if I want my real relationships- not the mirages of what I want- I have to be ready for them when they come. Here's to the other side.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Date Raped (part 4)
The numbness had infiltrated every part of my day. That night I went to sleep- a deep, heavy disturbed sleep. I was trying to escape from my reality. Plus my brain had been working overtime trying to process what hd happened- making me relive the rape. Him forcing himself inside me. Me covering my vagina to keep him from penetrating me. It not working. Him cumming like some creepy spoof movie, as if he wasnt even having sex with me- just my hole. The look of sheer pleasure as he won, getting to put himself inside me, not actually having an intimate encounter with me. Only adding another notch to his belt.
I shivered with disgust. The experience was revolting.
Through out the day following the rape, my ex texted me like he normally did. We had become best friends really, over the last few months. Truthfully, we were great friends from the day we met. While I knew I could not ignore him because he would only get more concerned, I tried to minimize what happened, keeping all the answers to his texts short. Closed. Cold.
Can I still come over and check on you tonight?
Sure. Do whatever you want. Im home tonight.
In numbness the day passed slowly. I put my son to bed a little early that night. My ex texted me saying he was coming over. Wow, he's really coming over? I figured he would have given up by now. Or forgotten about me. Or have put in his sympathy enough to earn his way out of seeing me. I texted him saying the door was unlocked so he could just walk in. It was a way I could avoid looking him in the eyes. If he looked me in the eyes, he would see, and I would struggle not to cry.
About 15 minutes later, I heard his motorcycle drive up. A couple tears fell out of my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away and got myself back under control. I did not want him to see me cry.
Hey. You doing ok?
Yup.
What happened?
I don't know. He seemed so nice and polite. But he was not quite my type. So in the end, I thought we could just cuddle- that's what we agreed on. That even if we didn't like each other, we could at least cuddle. I laid down to cuddle him and the next thing I know he started taking my clothes off. I tried to stop him, I even covered my vagina with both hands, but he tricked me to move my hands so he could penetrate me. I tried telling him no for over half an hour. He wouldn't listen. I didn't even enjoy it. And the worst part is the way he came. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. He came like the guys in the movies all crazy loud and over dramatic.
Are you ok?
No, but I'll be fine.
I'm sorry he did this to you.
Choking back a sob and a tear, I quickly recomposed myself. Thanks, but it isn't your fault.
What can I do to help you?
What? Again, choking back an audible sob, I had to work to control myself. After composing myself, i took a deep breath. Would you just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok?
Yes.
And there we sat on my couch like so many other times before. We always had a connection. At times like this, I tried desperately, but could not deny it. He held me tightly and I put my head in the crook of his neck. Even though I struggled to control my sobs, I let my tears fall. They soaked into his shirt, making a large wet spot that I realized he was beginning to feel. Until now, I had not cried.
We sat in silence. He held me tighter and tighter. It made me feel safe. It was the first time I felt safe since it happened. Finally he reached over and sat me in his lap so he could hug me tighter. Sobs finally escaped from me because I was safe enough to cry. But i made sure I did it quietly. This was not his problem.
Finally, I couldnt take it any longer, plus my nose was getting runny. I pushed myself out of his grasp and walked away coldly to blow my nose.
After I composed myself I sat down next to him again.
Are you ok?
What he did made me feel so disgusting. I cant stop thinking about it. I feel so worthless. But I dont understand why you are here. What do you care?
You know I care about you.
Ha! yeah- you care about me so much. What you meant to say was that youve gone 2 weeks without getting any and you are so glad that I am yours for the taking again.
That's not true.
Tell me it isnt.
It isnt.
That's a bunch of crap. Otherwise you would have made me your girlfriend.
Thats different.
No it isnt.
Everyone already thinks you are my girlfriend.
Everyone but you. The most important person.
Come on, It's nothing like that.
I dont know what's worse, some guy, basically a stranger, treating me like I'm just his personal fuck or you not caring enough to make me your girlfriend, coming over here pretending to care. You dont give a crap about me. You just want to get laid.
That's not why I am here. You know I care about you.
No. I dont. And I'm not saying that because of what happened. What happened happened because I did not think you cared about me, otherwise I would not have started dating again.
Come on. You know I care.
I feel so disgusting.
You arent.
But I FEEL disgusting.
With that he began to touch me delicately, gently. I couldn't help but start to cry again, unable to keep the tears from falling, I sat there instead rigid, numb, and with my eyes closed. I did not want him to see me frail. I reached for him and he again hugged me in silence, simply holding me. This time I put my face in the crook of his neck. As the moments ticked by the animalistic attraction we always had for each other became unbearable with our lips so close to each other. He knelt his head down to kiss me, but stopped before he could kiss me. Closing the gap, I met his lips.
We kissed so sweetly. He kissed me like I was the only girl in the world, and it made me feel like I for a second there I was actually worth something. The kiss became incredibly passionate. Short of saying he was making love to me, he kissed me passionately deep into my soul. His kiss spoke more about his gentle concern for me, than any of his words would ever be able to convey. He stroked my hair and held my body as if protecting me, holding me up against the weight of the world.
When the long, beautiful kiss ended, I got up and pushed him away.
You cant have sex with me. Im disgusting. That guy defiled me.
Theres nothing disgusting about you.
Look, what he did made me feel horrible. I cant get over this feeling of how disgusting I feel. Im revolted by my own skin. If it could crawl right off my body, it would.
You are a wonderful person. You are not disgusting.
I FEEL disgusting.
With that, he got up and closed the distance between us. touching the small of my back, stroking my hair behind one ear so I could not hide behind it like I was trying to do, he cradled my chin, and looked me in the eye.
You are not disgusting. You are not worthless.
I had to close my eyes to hide the pain of what he was saying to me. Not because what he was saying hurt me, but because how I felt warred against what he was saying. And that's when it broke me. There was nothing protecting me from him anymore. I was completely at his mercy.
Will you do me a favor?
Sure, What?
Will you have sex with me right now? And even if I start crying, will you keep going until its over?
Sure.
Look- I cant stop thinking about what happened. I need a new memory so I can forget what happened. So I can think about something else.
Ok.
But you might have to take it slow or even stop a few times.
Whatever you need. Just tell me.
And if I start screaming, please just ignore it. Or if I start crying.
He simply nodded, looking into both my eyes with concern.
He helped me to my room because I was suddenly very weak. I froze as we started to undress.
Help me. I cant take them off.
He very slowly and sweetly helped me remove my clothes with some extra effort because I had frozen and my body fought in its own way to keep the clothes on- by not cooperating.
I started to cry. No. Im disgusting. You dont want to have sex with me.
Stop. You are not disgusting.
What if he gave me something. Maybe we should wait until I go get tested.
Stop. And with that he went to touching me sweetly. Kissing me passionately.
Help me to the bed. I had to ask him to help me walk the 10 steps to the bed because my whole body was revolting against what was happening. And he did. Every move was smooth, strong, gentle and deliberate. Even though he was guiding me and supporting me, when I pushed back or stopped completely, he slowed down until I could get my body to move- that way I was in control and he wasn't forcing me- only helping me.
He layed me down on my bed. We were naked and we just kissed for a minute or two. As I began to relax, I took a deep breath and said, ok. Looking into his eyes, I nodded.
As he penetrated me, I began to relive the rape. Tears welled in my eyes, but I struggled to maintain relaxation in my body, to regulate my breathing to a slow and deep normal breath rate. He never stopped kissing me. Every once in a while a sob would escape.
As my ex penetrated me, I remembered fighting to keep the date raper from penetrating me. And even reliving part of my first rape, the memory of my stepbrother pulling my legs apart and forcing his way in. But sex with my ex felt totally different. It made me feel valued and wanted, not trashy. I held on to his skin as if desperate to be wanted. I was completely vulnerable with him. Over and over again the details from both rapes played in my mind, but as the minutes went by, they faded away until it was just me having gentle, sweet sex with a partner. Eventually I was able to orgasm. It took me quite a while, but he made sure I orgasm a few times before he did.
Afterwards I just layed in his arms and sobbed. He lay there in my bed and held me until the crying stopped.
Thank you. I couldnt get that disgusting sensation of his body off of me. I couldnt stop feeling it. You just helped me more than you will ever understand. Thank you.
I layed in his arms, in my tear soaked sheets, holding him as tightly as I could until I drifted to sleep. He lay with me all night.
I will never be able to repay what he did for me that day. What he did made my life bearable. I was able to recover very quickly after that. I shied away from dating anyone else. Within a few months, we got back together- this time becoming officially girlfriend/boyfriend. Our relationship was sweet and nice, passionate and fun. Before he left for Kuwait, he admitted he loved me and wanted me to marry him and have his children. I moved to Texas, to his next duty station, in anticipation of his return from Kuwait, to make a life with him. I had never trusted or cared for anyone as much as I did him.
I shivered with disgust. The experience was revolting.
Through out the day following the rape, my ex texted me like he normally did. We had become best friends really, over the last few months. Truthfully, we were great friends from the day we met. While I knew I could not ignore him because he would only get more concerned, I tried to minimize what happened, keeping all the answers to his texts short. Closed. Cold.
Can I still come over and check on you tonight?
Sure. Do whatever you want. Im home tonight.
In numbness the day passed slowly. I put my son to bed a little early that night. My ex texted me saying he was coming over. Wow, he's really coming over? I figured he would have given up by now. Or forgotten about me. Or have put in his sympathy enough to earn his way out of seeing me. I texted him saying the door was unlocked so he could just walk in. It was a way I could avoid looking him in the eyes. If he looked me in the eyes, he would see, and I would struggle not to cry.
About 15 minutes later, I heard his motorcycle drive up. A couple tears fell out of my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away and got myself back under control. I did not want him to see me cry.
Hey. You doing ok?
Yup.
What happened?
I don't know. He seemed so nice and polite. But he was not quite my type. So in the end, I thought we could just cuddle- that's what we agreed on. That even if we didn't like each other, we could at least cuddle. I laid down to cuddle him and the next thing I know he started taking my clothes off. I tried to stop him, I even covered my vagina with both hands, but he tricked me to move my hands so he could penetrate me. I tried telling him no for over half an hour. He wouldn't listen. I didn't even enjoy it. And the worst part is the way he came. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. He came like the guys in the movies all crazy loud and over dramatic.
Are you ok?
No, but I'll be fine.
I'm sorry he did this to you.
Choking back a sob and a tear, I quickly recomposed myself. Thanks, but it isn't your fault.
What can I do to help you?
What? Again, choking back an audible sob, I had to work to control myself. After composing myself, i took a deep breath. Would you just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok?
Yes.
And there we sat on my couch like so many other times before. We always had a connection. At times like this, I tried desperately, but could not deny it. He held me tightly and I put my head in the crook of his neck. Even though I struggled to control my sobs, I let my tears fall. They soaked into his shirt, making a large wet spot that I realized he was beginning to feel. Until now, I had not cried.
We sat in silence. He held me tighter and tighter. It made me feel safe. It was the first time I felt safe since it happened. Finally he reached over and sat me in his lap so he could hug me tighter. Sobs finally escaped from me because I was safe enough to cry. But i made sure I did it quietly. This was not his problem.
Finally, I couldnt take it any longer, plus my nose was getting runny. I pushed myself out of his grasp and walked away coldly to blow my nose.
After I composed myself I sat down next to him again.
Are you ok?
What he did made me feel so disgusting. I cant stop thinking about it. I feel so worthless. But I dont understand why you are here. What do you care?
You know I care about you.
Ha! yeah- you care about me so much. What you meant to say was that youve gone 2 weeks without getting any and you are so glad that I am yours for the taking again.
That's not true.
Tell me it isnt.
It isnt.
That's a bunch of crap. Otherwise you would have made me your girlfriend.
Thats different.
No it isnt.
Everyone already thinks you are my girlfriend.
Everyone but you. The most important person.
Come on, It's nothing like that.
I dont know what's worse, some guy, basically a stranger, treating me like I'm just his personal fuck or you not caring enough to make me your girlfriend, coming over here pretending to care. You dont give a crap about me. You just want to get laid.
That's not why I am here. You know I care about you.
No. I dont. And I'm not saying that because of what happened. What happened happened because I did not think you cared about me, otherwise I would not have started dating again.
Come on. You know I care.
I feel so disgusting.
You arent.
But I FEEL disgusting.
With that he began to touch me delicately, gently. I couldn't help but start to cry again, unable to keep the tears from falling, I sat there instead rigid, numb, and with my eyes closed. I did not want him to see me frail. I reached for him and he again hugged me in silence, simply holding me. This time I put my face in the crook of his neck. As the moments ticked by the animalistic attraction we always had for each other became unbearable with our lips so close to each other. He knelt his head down to kiss me, but stopped before he could kiss me. Closing the gap, I met his lips.
We kissed so sweetly. He kissed me like I was the only girl in the world, and it made me feel like I for a second there I was actually worth something. The kiss became incredibly passionate. Short of saying he was making love to me, he kissed me passionately deep into my soul. His kiss spoke more about his gentle concern for me, than any of his words would ever be able to convey. He stroked my hair and held my body as if protecting me, holding me up against the weight of the world.
When the long, beautiful kiss ended, I got up and pushed him away.
You cant have sex with me. Im disgusting. That guy defiled me.
Theres nothing disgusting about you.
Look, what he did made me feel horrible. I cant get over this feeling of how disgusting I feel. Im revolted by my own skin. If it could crawl right off my body, it would.
You are a wonderful person. You are not disgusting.
I FEEL disgusting.
With that, he got up and closed the distance between us. touching the small of my back, stroking my hair behind one ear so I could not hide behind it like I was trying to do, he cradled my chin, and looked me in the eye.
You are not disgusting. You are not worthless.
I had to close my eyes to hide the pain of what he was saying to me. Not because what he was saying hurt me, but because how I felt warred against what he was saying. And that's when it broke me. There was nothing protecting me from him anymore. I was completely at his mercy.
Will you do me a favor?
Sure, What?
Will you have sex with me right now? And even if I start crying, will you keep going until its over?
Sure.
Look- I cant stop thinking about what happened. I need a new memory so I can forget what happened. So I can think about something else.
Ok.
But you might have to take it slow or even stop a few times.
Whatever you need. Just tell me.
And if I start screaming, please just ignore it. Or if I start crying.
He simply nodded, looking into both my eyes with concern.
He helped me to my room because I was suddenly very weak. I froze as we started to undress.
Help me. I cant take them off.
He very slowly and sweetly helped me remove my clothes with some extra effort because I had frozen and my body fought in its own way to keep the clothes on- by not cooperating.
I started to cry. No. Im disgusting. You dont want to have sex with me.
Stop. You are not disgusting.
What if he gave me something. Maybe we should wait until I go get tested.
Stop. And with that he went to touching me sweetly. Kissing me passionately.
Help me to the bed. I had to ask him to help me walk the 10 steps to the bed because my whole body was revolting against what was happening. And he did. Every move was smooth, strong, gentle and deliberate. Even though he was guiding me and supporting me, when I pushed back or stopped completely, he slowed down until I could get my body to move- that way I was in control and he wasn't forcing me- only helping me.
He layed me down on my bed. We were naked and we just kissed for a minute or two. As I began to relax, I took a deep breath and said, ok. Looking into his eyes, I nodded.
As he penetrated me, I began to relive the rape. Tears welled in my eyes, but I struggled to maintain relaxation in my body, to regulate my breathing to a slow and deep normal breath rate. He never stopped kissing me. Every once in a while a sob would escape.
As my ex penetrated me, I remembered fighting to keep the date raper from penetrating me. And even reliving part of my first rape, the memory of my stepbrother pulling my legs apart and forcing his way in. But sex with my ex felt totally different. It made me feel valued and wanted, not trashy. I held on to his skin as if desperate to be wanted. I was completely vulnerable with him. Over and over again the details from both rapes played in my mind, but as the minutes went by, they faded away until it was just me having gentle, sweet sex with a partner. Eventually I was able to orgasm. It took me quite a while, but he made sure I orgasm a few times before he did.
Afterwards I just layed in his arms and sobbed. He lay there in my bed and held me until the crying stopped.
Thank you. I couldnt get that disgusting sensation of his body off of me. I couldnt stop feeling it. You just helped me more than you will ever understand. Thank you.
I layed in his arms, in my tear soaked sheets, holding him as tightly as I could until I drifted to sleep. He lay with me all night.
I will never be able to repay what he did for me that day. What he did made my life bearable. I was able to recover very quickly after that. I shied away from dating anyone else. Within a few months, we got back together- this time becoming officially girlfriend/boyfriend. Our relationship was sweet and nice, passionate and fun. Before he left for Kuwait, he admitted he loved me and wanted me to marry him and have his children. I moved to Texas, to his next duty station, in anticipation of his return from Kuwait, to make a life with him. I had never trusted or cared for anyone as much as I did him.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Date Raped (part 3)
Are you ok?
I'm fine.
You don't seem fine. Can I come check on you?
Sure. Whatever. But I'm busy tonight. I have to work. You can come over tomorrow night.
Ok. That works for me too. I will see you tomorrow night.
Ok. See you then.
Yeah right. What does my ex care? He'll forget or find something else to do. It will all blow over by then in his mind and it will go back to business as usual. He's not really worried about me. Not genuinely concerned, it is a fake concern, or even a well-meaning concerned that is fickle. Give it time, it will go away.
Finally after about 2 hours, I was able to tell my friend what happened. She only reacted with a, "Oh, well that's what happens when you are alone with guy. You should have never have been alone with him."
But he earned my trust.
Well that's what happens.
After talking to my ex, the idea that I had been date raped hit me over and over again. I could not stop thinking about it. Finally it became too much, and I decided to confront my attacker. I asked him to meet me at a Starbucks halfway between us, without letting onto my intentions. He tried to blow me off for another day, but when he tried to refuse, I made him an ultimatum, trying to force him to meet me. There was no way I could wait another day without confronting him.
He seemed pleased to see me- enjoying the gratification of winning a woman over. It was a weird mesh of being valued as a person and yet he treated me like I was a number, an object of his gratification, another number on his scoreboard. Getting me into bed had been his challenge, and now he thought he had me, hook, line and sinker.
We made small talk in the coffee shop as he bought us both coffees. Standing there acting polite to the man that had just raped me made me feel weird. But I waited until we could go sit outside in the relative privacy to confront him. It seemed forever before we got our drinks and walked outside. We found a unique place to sit outside near the drive thru window. I am pretty sure they could hear our whole conversation.
Sorry I forced you to come all the way out here to see me, but I really had to talk to you.
Oh dont worry about it.
I wanted to slap that smug look off his face. The reason I brought you here was because I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night.
Oh yeah it was great.
You do realize you date raped me, right?
WHAT?!?!
You date raped me.
No I didnt
Yes you did.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No I didn't.
YEs, you did.
You wanted to have sex with me.
How in the Hell do you figure that?!?
You loved it.
Choking back on revulsion, I literally choked on my words as I spoke to him. Oh really? Is that why I covered my vagina with both hands and told you no for 45 minutes? Because I Wanted you so badly?
You wanted me.
That is not how I look when I want someone. I dont tell them no, cover my vagina, and refuse to let them stick it in me. I say yes. Why couldn't you respect that I didnt want to have sex with you?
But you did.
Only in your mind, not in reality.
Well then why did you give me head?
Because after you forced yourself into me, I was trying to enjoy it. But I couldn't even enjoy that. But how would you know the difference?
See. You enjoyed it.
Again, I audibly gagged out of reaction. Believe me, sex with me is much more exciting than that. If I wanted you so badly, why didn't I enjoy it? Why didn't I orgasm? Why didn't I ask you for a repeat, because I'm not a one time a night kind of girl. We would have had sex all night long.
But you did cum.
HAHAHAHA! Oh yeah? Maybe in your mind, but I went limp, not became more rigid. Are you always this bad at sex that you thought I was enjoying it?
With that comment, I sparked a ripple of anger that at the first time scared me of him. You wanted it.
I did not want it.
You wanted me.
No, I was not that into you. Actually, I wasn't attracted to you.
Yes you were.
Believe me, I would have been all over you, and last night, the best you were going to get out of me- ever- was a cuddle.
You wanted me. You enjoyed it.
No amount of you telling me that changes how I feel. You can't just tell me I enjoyed it, because I didn't. But the reason I wanted to talk to you is because I wanted you to know I Didn't want it. That I didn't enjoy it. That you Date Raped me. You should respect a woman when she says no, not force yourself, literally inside her, hoping to change her mind. If you were so amazing and charming, I would never have said no. But I did not want to have sex with you.
Yes you did. You loved it.
You date raped me.
Don't make me lose my wings. I dont understand why you are doing this to me.
Im sorry, What?!?! I'm doing this to you?
Just because I didn't call you this morning, you want to get back at me by saying I raped you?
Wow!?!? WHAT?!? That's what you think this is? OMG! I hold my hands over my vagina and tell you no for almost an hour before you trick me into penetrating me, and you are the victim here?
Please dont make me lose my wings.
I came here for an apology. I came here to confront you. I came here to make sure you never did that again, to any other girl.
Im not going to apologize because you wanted it.
Oh WOW.
You wanted me.
Only in your mind. Look I can see we are going round and round on this, so I'll quit wasting both of our times and leave.
Dont make me lose my wings.
Never. Do that. Again. To anyone else! Because If I ever find out, I'll tell them what you did to me, too.
You wanted me to have sex with you.
Whatever, dude.
That whole day was a blur. I am pretty sure I worked that night. Over and over in my mind what he said repeated. How he could think I wanted him- that I was trying to be a challenge by saying no- bothered me. I made it exceedingly clear I did not want him. How could he not see that? He was not even apologetic. He tried to convince me I had wanted him. He is going to do it again.
As badly as I wanted to turn him in, I felt bad. He had worked hard to work his way up the ranks to fly helicopters. I felt sorry for him. Guilty. In his mind he thought what he was doing wasnt wrong.
Bullshit! HE knew it was wrong! Im being stupid.
But to lose his hard work over one mistake? But he wasnt even willing to apologize, to concede that he had pushed it too hard. That he had not respected my wishes. That he didn't listen when I said no.
Just when I finally had the courage, and the anger, to turn him in, it hit me. It is going to be his word against my word. And even though I am a nurse, he is a captain in the army. They will drag my name through the mud. They will make me look like a whore and make a big production about how I wanted it. No one will ever believe me. I could end up losing my job and having to move to escape what he would say, because once we open up that issue, he can say whatever he wants to protect himself and none of it will be pretty.
It sank in. Not only would I never get an apology, I would never get justice. Not saying anything was the best option. Living with rape was something I already knew how to do.
And as the minutes passed, I felt more and more disgusting. The feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me before the day was over. My body slumped over. The feeling of numbness made every interaction dulled.
IF you know me, you know me for my charisma, my animated expressions and the liveliness in everything I do. I could not laugh. I could not sing. I was on autopilot. Over and over again, the only thing that played in my mind was how dirty and disgusting I felt. How worthless I was. Fighting every moment to keep my mind on something else, I tried to cope with what I was going through by thinking in the moment and staying busy.
I'm fine.
You don't seem fine. Can I come check on you?
Sure. Whatever. But I'm busy tonight. I have to work. You can come over tomorrow night.
Ok. That works for me too. I will see you tomorrow night.
Ok. See you then.
Yeah right. What does my ex care? He'll forget or find something else to do. It will all blow over by then in his mind and it will go back to business as usual. He's not really worried about me. Not genuinely concerned, it is a fake concern, or even a well-meaning concerned that is fickle. Give it time, it will go away.
Finally after about 2 hours, I was able to tell my friend what happened. She only reacted with a, "Oh, well that's what happens when you are alone with guy. You should have never have been alone with him."
But he earned my trust.
Well that's what happens.
After talking to my ex, the idea that I had been date raped hit me over and over again. I could not stop thinking about it. Finally it became too much, and I decided to confront my attacker. I asked him to meet me at a Starbucks halfway between us, without letting onto my intentions. He tried to blow me off for another day, but when he tried to refuse, I made him an ultimatum, trying to force him to meet me. There was no way I could wait another day without confronting him.
He seemed pleased to see me- enjoying the gratification of winning a woman over. It was a weird mesh of being valued as a person and yet he treated me like I was a number, an object of his gratification, another number on his scoreboard. Getting me into bed had been his challenge, and now he thought he had me, hook, line and sinker.
We made small talk in the coffee shop as he bought us both coffees. Standing there acting polite to the man that had just raped me made me feel weird. But I waited until we could go sit outside in the relative privacy to confront him. It seemed forever before we got our drinks and walked outside. We found a unique place to sit outside near the drive thru window. I am pretty sure they could hear our whole conversation.
Sorry I forced you to come all the way out here to see me, but I really had to talk to you.
Oh dont worry about it.
I wanted to slap that smug look off his face. The reason I brought you here was because I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night.
Oh yeah it was great.
You do realize you date raped me, right?
WHAT?!?!
You date raped me.
No I didnt
Yes you did.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No I didn't.
YEs, you did.
You wanted to have sex with me.
How in the Hell do you figure that?!?
You loved it.
Choking back on revulsion, I literally choked on my words as I spoke to him. Oh really? Is that why I covered my vagina with both hands and told you no for 45 minutes? Because I Wanted you so badly?
You wanted me.
That is not how I look when I want someone. I dont tell them no, cover my vagina, and refuse to let them stick it in me. I say yes. Why couldn't you respect that I didnt want to have sex with you?
But you did.
Only in your mind, not in reality.
Well then why did you give me head?
Because after you forced yourself into me, I was trying to enjoy it. But I couldn't even enjoy that. But how would you know the difference?
See. You enjoyed it.
Again, I audibly gagged out of reaction. Believe me, sex with me is much more exciting than that. If I wanted you so badly, why didn't I enjoy it? Why didn't I orgasm? Why didn't I ask you for a repeat, because I'm not a one time a night kind of girl. We would have had sex all night long.
But you did cum.
HAHAHAHA! Oh yeah? Maybe in your mind, but I went limp, not became more rigid. Are you always this bad at sex that you thought I was enjoying it?
With that comment, I sparked a ripple of anger that at the first time scared me of him. You wanted it.
I did not want it.
You wanted me.
No, I was not that into you. Actually, I wasn't attracted to you.
Yes you were.
Believe me, I would have been all over you, and last night, the best you were going to get out of me- ever- was a cuddle.
You wanted me. You enjoyed it.
No amount of you telling me that changes how I feel. You can't just tell me I enjoyed it, because I didn't. But the reason I wanted to talk to you is because I wanted you to know I Didn't want it. That I didn't enjoy it. That you Date Raped me. You should respect a woman when she says no, not force yourself, literally inside her, hoping to change her mind. If you were so amazing and charming, I would never have said no. But I did not want to have sex with you.
Yes you did. You loved it.
You date raped me.
Don't make me lose my wings. I dont understand why you are doing this to me.
Im sorry, What?!?! I'm doing this to you?
Just because I didn't call you this morning, you want to get back at me by saying I raped you?
Wow!?!? WHAT?!? That's what you think this is? OMG! I hold my hands over my vagina and tell you no for almost an hour before you trick me into penetrating me, and you are the victim here?
Please dont make me lose my wings.
I came here for an apology. I came here to confront you. I came here to make sure you never did that again, to any other girl.
Im not going to apologize because you wanted it.
Oh WOW.
You wanted me.
Only in your mind. Look I can see we are going round and round on this, so I'll quit wasting both of our times and leave.
Dont make me lose my wings.
Never. Do that. Again. To anyone else! Because If I ever find out, I'll tell them what you did to me, too.
You wanted me to have sex with you.
Whatever, dude.
That whole day was a blur. I am pretty sure I worked that night. Over and over in my mind what he said repeated. How he could think I wanted him- that I was trying to be a challenge by saying no- bothered me. I made it exceedingly clear I did not want him. How could he not see that? He was not even apologetic. He tried to convince me I had wanted him. He is going to do it again.
As badly as I wanted to turn him in, I felt bad. He had worked hard to work his way up the ranks to fly helicopters. I felt sorry for him. Guilty. In his mind he thought what he was doing wasnt wrong.
Bullshit! HE knew it was wrong! Im being stupid.
But to lose his hard work over one mistake? But he wasnt even willing to apologize, to concede that he had pushed it too hard. That he had not respected my wishes. That he didn't listen when I said no.
Just when I finally had the courage, and the anger, to turn him in, it hit me. It is going to be his word against my word. And even though I am a nurse, he is a captain in the army. They will drag my name through the mud. They will make me look like a whore and make a big production about how I wanted it. No one will ever believe me. I could end up losing my job and having to move to escape what he would say, because once we open up that issue, he can say whatever he wants to protect himself and none of it will be pretty.
It sank in. Not only would I never get an apology, I would never get justice. Not saying anything was the best option. Living with rape was something I already knew how to do.
And as the minutes passed, I felt more and more disgusting. The feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me before the day was over. My body slumped over. The feeling of numbness made every interaction dulled.
IF you know me, you know me for my charisma, my animated expressions and the liveliness in everything I do. I could not laugh. I could not sing. I was on autopilot. Over and over again, the only thing that played in my mind was how dirty and disgusting I felt. How worthless I was. Fighting every moment to keep my mind on something else, I tried to cope with what I was going through by thinking in the moment and staying busy.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Date Raped (part 2)
How is this happening? How did I not see this coming?
As soon as I would move one hand to push away off of the bed, he would push against me. The only thing keeping him from raping me, was my two hands. Squeezing my legs together wouldnt work because he had wedged his body between my two legs. Trying to use the backward thrust of my legs squeezing against his body, I tried to roll off of my bed, but he easily put his arm between me and the floor stopping me. Every wiggle I had, every push I could summon, all my lower body strength to push him off of me- or even give me a break away. None of it worked.
Over and over again I told him no. Firmly I said NO. Sweetly I said no. I laughed and said no- in a nonjudgmental way. I begged No. I tried reasoning with him.Nothing phased him or even slowed him down. Finally, he stopped and leaned back, still keeping me pinned- but in an illusive way, to lower my defenses, but not actually go anywhere.
Just let me.
No.
Look Im not going to stick it in.
Yes you are. You've been trying this whole time.
No All I wanted was to rub it against you, on the outside.
That is total crap.
No really.
You actually expect me to believe that? I've been covering my vagina with my hands and that's the only thing thats kept you from getting inside me, and even then you almost got in. You actually think I believe that?
Look I just want to please you by rubbing the outside of you.
Well I dont want that. I also dont want to have sex with you. At all. You need to let me go. Give me back my clothes. Im done.
No. You're going to love it. Trust me.
No! I don't want to!
This went on for some time. He spent about 5-10 minutes trying to persuade me to drop my hands. He finally persuaded me. I was hoping to use that momentary lull to push myself off the bed, but he had himself inside me before I even had my hands down to push off against the bed. He groaned with pleasure. I was shocked.
After about a minute I decided I wanted to try and enjoy it, since I couldnt stop it. In some way it was as if enjoying it would change everything- make it less horrible. But as he thrust over and over again, it hurt. I was dry because I just couldnt enjoy it. Yes! Haha, now he will have to stop.
But he kept going.
And going.
It was probably only a few minutes, but it began to hurt. Finally I stopped him long enough to wet it, but it made me disgusted having him inside my mouth. I pulled away in revulsion, and he already had himself inside me again.
Thats when the realization that I could not fake myself into liking this. No, I did not want to have sex with him. He tricked me- fooled me completely. I went completely limp, reliving that feeling I had when I had first been raped as a child. That disconnect hoping that i could leave my body.
He continued to rape me, but in a loud way, groaning and shouting in pleasure. Truthfully, it was like a movie. A bad movie, a spoof of a dumb movie. The way he exclaimed brought me out of my disassociation. He ended with a weird over dramatic ending. I felt like I was watching a scene from the movie Scary Movie.
How was he able to get off when I was completely not into it? I literally stared at him in wonder as he did his deal. It was like he wasnt even having sex with me. He did not try to please me. He did not care that I was not enjoying it. I cannot even imagine as an adult how anyone could enjoy that.
It made me feel disgusting.
I do not even remember what happened after that.
*******************************************************************************
The next day I went straight to my friends' house where my son had spent the night. Sitting there with my son, holding him in my lap, my best friend talking to me, I could only stare off into space. All I heard was noise. My friend just talked and went around the house. We were both nurses. She did not notice it. Still not ready to deal with it, to admit it myself, I was half glad, half horrified. At one point I looked my best friend in the eye, trying to catch her notice, but she looked into my eyes and did not see it. Still I did not know what to say and she would not stay still so I could tell her.
Then my phone went off.
The big date- How did it go?
OMG My ex. The guy that doesnt even care enough about me to make me his girlfriend. He's the last person I want to talk to right now.
It went ok.
Ok? I thought this was the guy?
Yeah, no. He was too young, just like I thought.
Well tell me what happened.
It was cool. We went out, had a few drinks, ate a nice dinner, danced and that was it.
That was it?
Pretty much.
That's it? What did he do?
He was nice. Smart. Funny. But it isnt going to work out.
Are you ok? Something happened didn't it?
What?
You are acting funny, what's wrong? Did you guys make out?
No. I did not like him like that.
Theres something wrong, did he do something to you?
Why do you care?
He date raped you didn't he?
Yeah he pushed it a little too far.
No, he date raped you.
Yes, he did.
Are you ok?
I'll be fine.
OMG. He's right...........
Wait....How could he tell? My own best friend is right in front of me, and he knew over text messages.
As soon as I would move one hand to push away off of the bed, he would push against me. The only thing keeping him from raping me, was my two hands. Squeezing my legs together wouldnt work because he had wedged his body between my two legs. Trying to use the backward thrust of my legs squeezing against his body, I tried to roll off of my bed, but he easily put his arm between me and the floor stopping me. Every wiggle I had, every push I could summon, all my lower body strength to push him off of me- or even give me a break away. None of it worked.
Over and over again I told him no. Firmly I said NO. Sweetly I said no. I laughed and said no- in a nonjudgmental way. I begged No. I tried reasoning with him.Nothing phased him or even slowed him down. Finally, he stopped and leaned back, still keeping me pinned- but in an illusive way, to lower my defenses, but not actually go anywhere.
Just let me.
No.
Look Im not going to stick it in.
Yes you are. You've been trying this whole time.
No All I wanted was to rub it against you, on the outside.
That is total crap.
No really.
You actually expect me to believe that? I've been covering my vagina with my hands and that's the only thing thats kept you from getting inside me, and even then you almost got in. You actually think I believe that?
Look I just want to please you by rubbing the outside of you.
Well I dont want that. I also dont want to have sex with you. At all. You need to let me go. Give me back my clothes. Im done.
No. You're going to love it. Trust me.
No! I don't want to!
This went on for some time. He spent about 5-10 minutes trying to persuade me to drop my hands. He finally persuaded me. I was hoping to use that momentary lull to push myself off the bed, but he had himself inside me before I even had my hands down to push off against the bed. He groaned with pleasure. I was shocked.
After about a minute I decided I wanted to try and enjoy it, since I couldnt stop it. In some way it was as if enjoying it would change everything- make it less horrible. But as he thrust over and over again, it hurt. I was dry because I just couldnt enjoy it. Yes! Haha, now he will have to stop.
But he kept going.
And going.
It was probably only a few minutes, but it began to hurt. Finally I stopped him long enough to wet it, but it made me disgusted having him inside my mouth. I pulled away in revulsion, and he already had himself inside me again.
Thats when the realization that I could not fake myself into liking this. No, I did not want to have sex with him. He tricked me- fooled me completely. I went completely limp, reliving that feeling I had when I had first been raped as a child. That disconnect hoping that i could leave my body.
He continued to rape me, but in a loud way, groaning and shouting in pleasure. Truthfully, it was like a movie. A bad movie, a spoof of a dumb movie. The way he exclaimed brought me out of my disassociation. He ended with a weird over dramatic ending. I felt like I was watching a scene from the movie Scary Movie.
How was he able to get off when I was completely not into it? I literally stared at him in wonder as he did his deal. It was like he wasnt even having sex with me. He did not try to please me. He did not care that I was not enjoying it. I cannot even imagine as an adult how anyone could enjoy that.
It made me feel disgusting.
I do not even remember what happened after that.
*******************************************************************************
The next day I went straight to my friends' house where my son had spent the night. Sitting there with my son, holding him in my lap, my best friend talking to me, I could only stare off into space. All I heard was noise. My friend just talked and went around the house. We were both nurses. She did not notice it. Still not ready to deal with it, to admit it myself, I was half glad, half horrified. At one point I looked my best friend in the eye, trying to catch her notice, but she looked into my eyes and did not see it. Still I did not know what to say and she would not stay still so I could tell her.
Then my phone went off.
The big date- How did it go?
OMG My ex. The guy that doesnt even care enough about me to make me his girlfriend. He's the last person I want to talk to right now.
It went ok.
Ok? I thought this was the guy?
Yeah, no. He was too young, just like I thought.
Well tell me what happened.
It was cool. We went out, had a few drinks, ate a nice dinner, danced and that was it.
That was it?
Pretty much.
That's it? What did he do?
He was nice. Smart. Funny. But it isnt going to work out.
Are you ok? Something happened didn't it?
What?
You are acting funny, what's wrong? Did you guys make out?
No. I did not like him like that.
Theres something wrong, did he do something to you?
Why do you care?
He date raped you didn't he?
Yeah he pushed it a little too far.
No, he date raped you.
Yes, he did.
Are you ok?
I'll be fine.
OMG. He's right...........
Wait....How could he tell? My own best friend is right in front of me, and he knew over text messages.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Date Raped (part 1)
My ex fiance, before we got serious, had dated me for a few months. We were close from the first day we met- spending nearly everyday together. When we weren't together, we texted all day long. After 5 months I told him I was ready for hm to call me his girlfriend, but I expected him to ask me to be his girlfriend- not just assume it.
I don't want to make you my girlfriend.
WHAT?!?!?
As soon as I give you a title, you will change.
Not me. Im not going to change just because of some stupid title. I want a title because I deserve it and its getting ridiculous trying to explain who you are to me. Boyfriend is much easier than this guy ive been dating for months and spending everyday with.
Well I do not want to call you my girlfriend.
Well I deserve it, so I guess we are over.
Ok.
Ok....Wow.
After he clearly made his decision, I stopped talking to him and started dating again. Finally single in my late 20s after my separation from my husband, I had met him early in the dating game, so I began to enjoy a string of dates after we split that I had yet to do before we met. A few weeks into dating other people again and probably only a week of not talking, he called me up. It was obvious that I was still frustrated with him by my tone, but he won me over quickly.
Will you come eat dinner with me?
I already told you, you are cut off. I deserve to be someone's girlfriend and if you cant make me your girlfriend, I dont want to be with you.
No. I mean as friends.
As friends? Oh, so you think I am just going to roll over and let you be with me without the title? Not happening!
No. I am lonely and I enjoyed your company.
What?
And I was hoping you would just come and eat dinner with me so I didnt have to eat alone.
Well I have my son with me.
He can come too.
Oh yeah? This is just friends eating dinner together?
Yes.
Dont expect to get any because it is not gonna happen.
No. I just want to be friends.
We always were good friends, huh?
Yes.
Ok.
From there we became friends again. We dated other people, getting and giving dating advice to each other. I was much more open with him- plus I had more people to date than he did. The day came when I asked if I could have a friends with benefits relationship so that I wouldn't "settle" for a new guy I normally wouldnt just because I was sexually frustrated. The rule was if there was anyone else, we had to end it immediately.
There must have been over 50 men I dated during that time, but I could not find anyone I was remotely attracted to. Not a single guy I even wanted a second date with. Finally I met someone online I wanted to meet in person that I was genuinely excited to meet. He flew helicopters as a captain in the army. We talked and got along great. Physically we both found each other attractive. There was one thing I was worried about- he was 2 years younger than me, but I was hoping that his maturity would make up for his age difference.
There has never been a guy I dated before that was even my age, so that was the one thing I suspected would derail his chances. However I was so excited about the idea that I would like this guy that i told my friend (who would end up being my fiance later) I couldn't sleep with him anymore. There is only room for one man with me, and this guy deserved a real shot; my friend and I had already ended our relationship.
The new guy and I set up a date- a Saturday night where we could hang out late and I could sleep in the next morning.This guy was nice and sweet and funny. I trusted him and found out his info so that if he tried anything stupid I would report it to his commanding officers. It was a safeety precaution I took for when I dated military men. We agreed even if the date went bad that we would snuggle- no sex- because we both were lonely and enjoyed snuggling so much.
This guy had created a night for me in Seattle to woo me. First he picked me up and drove me an hour to Seattle downtown. We had a drink, then went to a nice restaurant, walked around downtown, and afterwords, went out to a dance spot that was supposed to be a fun place. We had a few drinks over the 4 hours- but we were not drunk. At some point he tried to prove how great of a dancer he was. Instead of dancing, he humped my leg to the beat. Literally trying not to gag, I tried to help him dance better, but he really thought he was dancing well. Didnt see that one coming!
The date ended and he took me home. As hard as I tried, the damage had been done. I really wanted to like him, but I was right; there was just something about him that I did not like. Maybe it was his age. The dancing did not help! Whatever it was, he did not have the je ne sais quoi, that indescribable character that I was attracted to. However, I was definitely wanting to try to make it work- maybe end up being friends? As hard as I tried, I did not even want to kiss him. Maybe the snuggling would change things for me. When a guy can lay next to me and keep his hands controllably to himself, I find that incredibly respectful. That becomes a positive and sometimes can turn the tide for someone i am on the fence about.
After I got ready for bed in the privacy of the next room without him watching, I lay down next to him in my bed. It was just the two of us in my apartment and he had treated me respectfully the whole date. There was no inkling in my mind of what was about to happen. No crazy strip tease or disrespect for my boundaries. No forcing ideas onto me, instead he let me choose what happened all night.
I lay down next to him and took a deep breath as he put his hand on my hip. Cuddling was definitely something I missed after being separated from my husband. But instantly I realized this was not cuddling as he pulled my panties off quickly and smoothly. I rolled onto my back and tried to grab my underwear before he stripped them off of me completely.
NO! What are you doing??
You won't be needing these.
No. I said looking him firmly in the eye in a panic. Holding both my hands over my vagina to keep him from penetrating me.
Yes.
No! (How the hell did he get naked so quickly? He was JUST fully dressed except for shoes!)
Yes.
No. Seriously no!
Every time I tried to use my hands to get him off of me, or to roll over and out from underneath his frame, he tried to penetrate me. When I held both my hands over my vagina and tried to roll or kick my way out from under him, he deftly kept me from going anywhere. Even with both of my hands over my vagina and my legs struggling to get between his to close better, he still tried to push himself inside of me as he used his legs between mine to keep my thighs open. We were at a stalemate. The only way I was going to get out of this was to talk him out of it. To reason with him. To make him understand that I did Not want to have sex.
For the next 45 minutes I squirmed and pushed as best as I could with both hands covering my vagina and exhausting every approach to get him to stop or get out from underneath him. Nothing worked.
How did I not see this coming? There were not any signs!
I don't want to make you my girlfriend.
WHAT?!?!?
As soon as I give you a title, you will change.
Not me. Im not going to change just because of some stupid title. I want a title because I deserve it and its getting ridiculous trying to explain who you are to me. Boyfriend is much easier than this guy ive been dating for months and spending everyday with.
Well I do not want to call you my girlfriend.
Well I deserve it, so I guess we are over.
Ok.
Ok....Wow.
After he clearly made his decision, I stopped talking to him and started dating again. Finally single in my late 20s after my separation from my husband, I had met him early in the dating game, so I began to enjoy a string of dates after we split that I had yet to do before we met. A few weeks into dating other people again and probably only a week of not talking, he called me up. It was obvious that I was still frustrated with him by my tone, but he won me over quickly.
Will you come eat dinner with me?
I already told you, you are cut off. I deserve to be someone's girlfriend and if you cant make me your girlfriend, I dont want to be with you.
No. I mean as friends.
As friends? Oh, so you think I am just going to roll over and let you be with me without the title? Not happening!
No. I am lonely and I enjoyed your company.
What?
And I was hoping you would just come and eat dinner with me so I didnt have to eat alone.
Well I have my son with me.
He can come too.
Oh yeah? This is just friends eating dinner together?
Yes.
Dont expect to get any because it is not gonna happen.
No. I just want to be friends.
We always were good friends, huh?
Yes.
Ok.
From there we became friends again. We dated other people, getting and giving dating advice to each other. I was much more open with him- plus I had more people to date than he did. The day came when I asked if I could have a friends with benefits relationship so that I wouldn't "settle" for a new guy I normally wouldnt just because I was sexually frustrated. The rule was if there was anyone else, we had to end it immediately.
There must have been over 50 men I dated during that time, but I could not find anyone I was remotely attracted to. Not a single guy I even wanted a second date with. Finally I met someone online I wanted to meet in person that I was genuinely excited to meet. He flew helicopters as a captain in the army. We talked and got along great. Physically we both found each other attractive. There was one thing I was worried about- he was 2 years younger than me, but I was hoping that his maturity would make up for his age difference.
There has never been a guy I dated before that was even my age, so that was the one thing I suspected would derail his chances. However I was so excited about the idea that I would like this guy that i told my friend (who would end up being my fiance later) I couldn't sleep with him anymore. There is only room for one man with me, and this guy deserved a real shot; my friend and I had already ended our relationship.
The new guy and I set up a date- a Saturday night where we could hang out late and I could sleep in the next morning.This guy was nice and sweet and funny. I trusted him and found out his info so that if he tried anything stupid I would report it to his commanding officers. It was a safeety precaution I took for when I dated military men. We agreed even if the date went bad that we would snuggle- no sex- because we both were lonely and enjoyed snuggling so much.
This guy had created a night for me in Seattle to woo me. First he picked me up and drove me an hour to Seattle downtown. We had a drink, then went to a nice restaurant, walked around downtown, and afterwords, went out to a dance spot that was supposed to be a fun place. We had a few drinks over the 4 hours- but we were not drunk. At some point he tried to prove how great of a dancer he was. Instead of dancing, he humped my leg to the beat. Literally trying not to gag, I tried to help him dance better, but he really thought he was dancing well. Didnt see that one coming!
The date ended and he took me home. As hard as I tried, the damage had been done. I really wanted to like him, but I was right; there was just something about him that I did not like. Maybe it was his age. The dancing did not help! Whatever it was, he did not have the je ne sais quoi, that indescribable character that I was attracted to. However, I was definitely wanting to try to make it work- maybe end up being friends? As hard as I tried, I did not even want to kiss him. Maybe the snuggling would change things for me. When a guy can lay next to me and keep his hands controllably to himself, I find that incredibly respectful. That becomes a positive and sometimes can turn the tide for someone i am on the fence about.
After I got ready for bed in the privacy of the next room without him watching, I lay down next to him in my bed. It was just the two of us in my apartment and he had treated me respectfully the whole date. There was no inkling in my mind of what was about to happen. No crazy strip tease or disrespect for my boundaries. No forcing ideas onto me, instead he let me choose what happened all night.
I lay down next to him and took a deep breath as he put his hand on my hip. Cuddling was definitely something I missed after being separated from my husband. But instantly I realized this was not cuddling as he pulled my panties off quickly and smoothly. I rolled onto my back and tried to grab my underwear before he stripped them off of me completely.
NO! What are you doing??
You won't be needing these.
No. I said looking him firmly in the eye in a panic. Holding both my hands over my vagina to keep him from penetrating me.
Yes.
No! (How the hell did he get naked so quickly? He was JUST fully dressed except for shoes!)
Yes.
No. Seriously no!
Every time I tried to use my hands to get him off of me, or to roll over and out from underneath his frame, he tried to penetrate me. When I held both my hands over my vagina and tried to roll or kick my way out from under him, he deftly kept me from going anywhere. Even with both of my hands over my vagina and my legs struggling to get between his to close better, he still tried to push himself inside of me as he used his legs between mine to keep my thighs open. We were at a stalemate. The only way I was going to get out of this was to talk him out of it. To reason with him. To make him understand that I did Not want to have sex.
For the next 45 minutes I squirmed and pushed as best as I could with both hands covering my vagina and exhausting every approach to get him to stop or get out from underneath him. Nothing worked.
How did I not see this coming? There were not any signs!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Don't tell me At Least You Still Have Your Son
When I got raped, I was not the only one that suffered. My fiance lost his soon to be wife and my son lost his soon to be step father. So when people tell me to buck up and be strong, yes, I want to be strong for him, but this "at least you still have your son" is a bitter double edged sword. Because when I look at him the pain of what happens only increases.
My son has not lived a fantastic life. The most important thing I could give him, I could not provide for him. Instead of having a mother and a father, I left his father when he would not sober up. Being a single mom either means having a good job or living on welfare. Sometimes you can get lucky by having a great guy marry you or parents that fill in where ends meet. I had neither. That left me with finding a good job because I could not live on welfare.
With my many talents and interests, as well as my intelligence and love for people, I found nursing. When I decided to leave my husband, long before I did, I went back to college. Plus I worked. So when I left his father, it was just my son and I - mainly just me working and going to school while my son stayed with strangers. Luckily they were nice strangers.
After the first rape, I was left with nothing. I had to leave high school during my senior year because one job was not paying the bills. Instead I got three jobs. I worked one or two jobs for years and still only lived paycheck to paycheck.
After my ex was gone, I had to do it all by myself. There was not help from his father or my family. I worked full time and went to school fulltime. I still got great grades, but my son is the one that suffered.
My son's father never tried to take him for visitation after the judge ruled he needed third party paid visitation. My son started chewing off all his fingernails within about 2 days. Within that same week my 2 year old son screamed, "I HATE YOU!" as hard and as deep as he could. All my brothers are active military. He has never met my father or two of the three brothers I have. He has no male father figures. Every day he fought me because he is mad at me for making his father leave. Thats how he says it.
This whole time it has been just him and I. It was not supposed to be like that- my son was supposed to have at least one or two more siblings after him, in addition to the brother and sister he no longer gets to see. My son has been alone, even though I have tried to take care of him alone the best I could.
When I met my fiance, I was not ready yet for a relationship that ended in marriage. I did not want to be fixed. I wanted to have a break from my crappy life. I wanted someone to hold me and make me laugh. My fiance happened unexpectedly. He was supposed to be a rebound relationship before I found a husband. Trouble was we were fantastic for each other. After over a year of pretending it was just a fun relationship, I finally told him we were a relationship and that was the end of it. He started sticking around and playing with my son. My son finally stopped chewing off his fingernails that same week. I cried with joy. Not wanting to put pressure on my boyfriend, I simply thanked him for hanging out with my son. In the silence of that dialogue I said to myself everything I wanted to say out loud to him. He never heard how thankful I was. After another six months he finally admitted to being in love with me. For the next week every day he made a deeper profession of his love- that he wanted to marry me, have kids with me, and adopt my son. I was so afraid that if I let go and enjoyed, that if I believed what he said, that I would jinx everything for us.
Slowly, over the next few months, my fiance made me believe that what he said was true. That I could trust him. He took more and more interest in my son. I "saved" things for him to do with my son so my son would have "special man memories" with him.
Once my fiance left for Kuwait, my son started chewing off his fingernails again. Still I can remember calling my fiance crying to him in pain. My fiance would call my son and send him presents to make him feel special. It was not until after we moved to Texas that I started telling my son that instead of having a "guy to do dad stuff with," my fiance would be his new stepdad because "everyone wanted to be his dad."
The look on my son's face when he realized he would finally have a dad was one of relief. For the first time it was as if he finally felt he was worth something. So many times the word dad was thrown around him and he knew he did not have one. His father was a violent drug abuser that almost killed his own mom with him in the same room. It is a secret I have kept from him, but it has not been without its own consequences. Instead I toiled away in silence trying to create a better life for him- one that meant I had to give up something incredibly precious to me- my son's early years. This being someone's son made him feel great. He stood taller and fought me less. He was happier. For me, that deeply painful part of my soul where I hurt because my son hurt- it hurt a lot less.
Before we moved across the country and left everything my son knew, we got rid of and sold everything except for a small 5'X5' storage unit worth of stuff. We wiped our old life away clean. My son didnt get presents for his birthday- only giftcards for new toys "in his brand new better life." He was told to get rid of all of his toys except for a small box worth. The Christmas before he got fewer presents, "because we would only have to get rid of them- besides we would buy a whole bunch of new toys in our new house, in our new life." My son hated it, but every time I told him to wait for our better life, we talked about how cool it was going to be, and the dream made him sleep better that night or soothed his frustration.
When my son started school he bragged about his new stepdad when all his classmates asked where his dad was. The time came for my son to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels, so instead I found other things to do, so I could yet again "save a memory" for him and his new stepdad.
For my birthday- well a few days after my birthday, my fiance was supposed to return home. Roughly two weeks before my birthday, we received the call that he was going to be delayed 30 days returning home. So no fiance and new life beginning for my birthday present. That was fine. The silver lining was that we would have more money for Christmas presents. My son deserves more.
Then the drugging and the rape.
Then my fiance blamed me everything.
Then I had to tell my son.
First I had to tell my son delicately what happened to me. He was awake when I came home to him at my friends' house that morning I was raped. He was awake when they were trying to figure out where I was. He saw me acting really crazy as the drugs wore off and the realization kicked in. He was there at the hospital.
Then I had to tell him that his stepdad was not going to be his stepdad. That we were alone again.
We stayed the holidays with family and friends. I will never forget the look on my son's face when my friends' fiance tickled him, telling my son , "Who's Your Daddy?!?!"- like he had just done to his own kids. My son just stammered and said I dont know. Quickly my friend rolled with it and cushioned the awkwardness of the situation. Later that day, he took a little extra time and sat with my son while they watched football. I cried.
I was not the only casualty that day when I was raped. So was my son. So was my fiance.
Part of my grief is seeing my son everyday with this new pain. So when people try to console me by reminding me of my son, it backfires. It only reminds me of how one person can hurt everyone I care about, and I cannot stop it.
My son has not lived a fantastic life. The most important thing I could give him, I could not provide for him. Instead of having a mother and a father, I left his father when he would not sober up. Being a single mom either means having a good job or living on welfare. Sometimes you can get lucky by having a great guy marry you or parents that fill in where ends meet. I had neither. That left me with finding a good job because I could not live on welfare.
With my many talents and interests, as well as my intelligence and love for people, I found nursing. When I decided to leave my husband, long before I did, I went back to college. Plus I worked. So when I left his father, it was just my son and I - mainly just me working and going to school while my son stayed with strangers. Luckily they were nice strangers.
After the first rape, I was left with nothing. I had to leave high school during my senior year because one job was not paying the bills. Instead I got three jobs. I worked one or two jobs for years and still only lived paycheck to paycheck.
After my ex was gone, I had to do it all by myself. There was not help from his father or my family. I worked full time and went to school fulltime. I still got great grades, but my son is the one that suffered.
My son's father never tried to take him for visitation after the judge ruled he needed third party paid visitation. My son started chewing off all his fingernails within about 2 days. Within that same week my 2 year old son screamed, "I HATE YOU!" as hard and as deep as he could. All my brothers are active military. He has never met my father or two of the three brothers I have. He has no male father figures. Every day he fought me because he is mad at me for making his father leave. Thats how he says it.
This whole time it has been just him and I. It was not supposed to be like that- my son was supposed to have at least one or two more siblings after him, in addition to the brother and sister he no longer gets to see. My son has been alone, even though I have tried to take care of him alone the best I could.
When I met my fiance, I was not ready yet for a relationship that ended in marriage. I did not want to be fixed. I wanted to have a break from my crappy life. I wanted someone to hold me and make me laugh. My fiance happened unexpectedly. He was supposed to be a rebound relationship before I found a husband. Trouble was we were fantastic for each other. After over a year of pretending it was just a fun relationship, I finally told him we were a relationship and that was the end of it. He started sticking around and playing with my son. My son finally stopped chewing off his fingernails that same week. I cried with joy. Not wanting to put pressure on my boyfriend, I simply thanked him for hanging out with my son. In the silence of that dialogue I said to myself everything I wanted to say out loud to him. He never heard how thankful I was. After another six months he finally admitted to being in love with me. For the next week every day he made a deeper profession of his love- that he wanted to marry me, have kids with me, and adopt my son. I was so afraid that if I let go and enjoyed, that if I believed what he said, that I would jinx everything for us.
Slowly, over the next few months, my fiance made me believe that what he said was true. That I could trust him. He took more and more interest in my son. I "saved" things for him to do with my son so my son would have "special man memories" with him.
Once my fiance left for Kuwait, my son started chewing off his fingernails again. Still I can remember calling my fiance crying to him in pain. My fiance would call my son and send him presents to make him feel special. It was not until after we moved to Texas that I started telling my son that instead of having a "guy to do dad stuff with," my fiance would be his new stepdad because "everyone wanted to be his dad."
The look on my son's face when he realized he would finally have a dad was one of relief. For the first time it was as if he finally felt he was worth something. So many times the word dad was thrown around him and he knew he did not have one. His father was a violent drug abuser that almost killed his own mom with him in the same room. It is a secret I have kept from him, but it has not been without its own consequences. Instead I toiled away in silence trying to create a better life for him- one that meant I had to give up something incredibly precious to me- my son's early years. This being someone's son made him feel great. He stood taller and fought me less. He was happier. For me, that deeply painful part of my soul where I hurt because my son hurt- it hurt a lot less.
Before we moved across the country and left everything my son knew, we got rid of and sold everything except for a small 5'X5' storage unit worth of stuff. We wiped our old life away clean. My son didnt get presents for his birthday- only giftcards for new toys "in his brand new better life." He was told to get rid of all of his toys except for a small box worth. The Christmas before he got fewer presents, "because we would only have to get rid of them- besides we would buy a whole bunch of new toys in our new house, in our new life." My son hated it, but every time I told him to wait for our better life, we talked about how cool it was going to be, and the dream made him sleep better that night or soothed his frustration.
When my son started school he bragged about his new stepdad when all his classmates asked where his dad was. The time came for my son to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels, so instead I found other things to do, so I could yet again "save a memory" for him and his new stepdad.
For my birthday- well a few days after my birthday, my fiance was supposed to return home. Roughly two weeks before my birthday, we received the call that he was going to be delayed 30 days returning home. So no fiance and new life beginning for my birthday present. That was fine. The silver lining was that we would have more money for Christmas presents. My son deserves more.
Then the drugging and the rape.
Then my fiance blamed me everything.
Then I had to tell my son.
First I had to tell my son delicately what happened to me. He was awake when I came home to him at my friends' house that morning I was raped. He was awake when they were trying to figure out where I was. He saw me acting really crazy as the drugs wore off and the realization kicked in. He was there at the hospital.
Then I had to tell him that his stepdad was not going to be his stepdad. That we were alone again.
We stayed the holidays with family and friends. I will never forget the look on my son's face when my friends' fiance tickled him, telling my son , "Who's Your Daddy?!?!"- like he had just done to his own kids. My son just stammered and said I dont know. Quickly my friend rolled with it and cushioned the awkwardness of the situation. Later that day, he took a little extra time and sat with my son while they watched football. I cried.
I was not the only casualty that day when I was raped. So was my son. So was my fiance.
Part of my grief is seeing my son everyday with this new pain. So when people try to console me by reminding me of my son, it backfires. It only reminds me of how one person can hurt everyone I care about, and I cannot stop it.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Precious Moments
As the New Year strikes, I know I am supposed to feel
excited, hopeful. Truthfully, I am struggling to even smile.
Looking back over the year, this year was different. It was
supposed to be a hard year, but not like this. On the eve of 2013, I was sad
but hopeful, depressed but excited, happy but hurting. When I said goodbye to
my fiancé for the last time of 2012, he had been gone all month and flew in for
my birthday at the end of October. For less than 24 hours, he came to visit me
on my 30th birthday. It was the only present I wanted. The next
morning we lay in bed staring at each other, holding each other. Before he
left, I made sure he knew I was waiting for him faithfully and that the only
thing I was afraid of was him forgetting about me- letting go. He denied that
would happen and told me how much he trusted me to stay celibate for him- that
I was the only one he ever trusted at that level. When he said goodbye I made
sure he knew I loved him. You can never be sure what will happen, so I made
sure he admitted he knew I loved him. Then I let him go. Man it was difficult!
To touch someone, to let go when you know you may never see
them again, to willingly walk away has always been the hardest thing for me.
This man had my heart and I would do anything for him. With my past, letting
him walk away was incredibly painful. Being strong for him was important. It
was not until I knew he would not return and catch me that I let myself cry.
Leaving me for a year was hard, and crying in front of him was only going to
make it harder for him. The thought of hurting him or making him hurt any worse
was unbearable, so I clenched my teeth and focused hard to make myself sound
cheerful and loving- but not sad.
My ex husband used to abandon me with the kids, no money, no
food and steal my car. He would leave me for days, weeks, and sometimes months,
even though I still had to work and pay bills. When he left it was for a binge,
so he took everything of value, like money for rent or food. The sudden
emergency mode I would go into helped me cope, but the fear of being homeless
was always there around the corner. When I realized he was gone, or even times
when I was just alone for a few hours, I would be overcome with anxiety. Laying
in bed waiting for my husband became torture, so I would wait by the door on
the couch to hear him the second he came home.
After I left my
husband, that coping mechanism was still there. Effectively, I have only slept
on the couch since my fiancé left. Again, staying strong for him was paramount
for me. Suffering in silence was a vow I made to him, but not one I shared with
him. Instead I would tell him when he returned. Until then I kept my guard up.
No other man, not even movie stars, crossed my mind in some emotionally or
sexually intimate way. My fiancé was the only man I had in my heart; he was the
only man I thought of.
I missed him terribly.
When I felt a naked man next to me, I woke up startled. The
dream I had just had about my fiancé was sexually charged and I was elated
because it felt like he was there with me. I had been waiting so long at this
point. But then my mind realized he was not home yet, so this naked man would
not be him. Fear overtook me as I breathed in sharply, waking up. Without
making my movements noticeable, I registered my situation. My heart broke when
I realized what had happened- but the drugs I had been dosed with buffered that
feeling until they wore off. This was the closest I had come to cheating on
anyone I had ever dated, and this was the person I loved the most. None of it
was intentional- I had been taken advantage of by someone who noticed there was
no man with me.
Staying strong and celibate, staying home with my son,
working hard at full time college and working full time as a nurse, moving
across country by myself, spending each holiday alone, staying in instead of
going out, carrying everything up three flights of stairs in a strange place
with no friends and no help. All of it had wiped me out. Fortunately I was only
weeks away from it all being worth it.
That’s when it happened-my lowest, hardest moment. I begged
my friend not to leave me alone; to cheer me up because I was losing the
strength to stay strong. All I wanted to do was call my love and beg him to
come home, even though I knew he couldn’t. He would be powerless to do
anything. Hearing me break would be too painful. Every moment of that day was
agonizing. I tried to get drunk to help me pretend to be happy- to make the day
go by faster, but I could not even drink I was so sad. Plus it gave me a wicked
stomach ache from all the beer fizz and nerves.
When I woke up and it began to slowly hit me what happened, I paced next to my phone waiting for a charge to use it; waiting to hear from him.
Instead of comforting me, he blamed me. I did not get drunk and cheat on him
like I had first thought; I had been manipulated with drugs by being slipped
something into a drink I do not even remember having. The weeks building up to this
day had been difficult, but the deadline had only been extended a few weeks. I
could handle that- maybe not that specific day, but I could wait a few weeks
longer.
Running to the only person I felt completely loved and safe
with, only for him to kick me while I was down and blame me for something I
never wanted and had been unable to control was the biggest betrayal I ever
felt. Now I couldn’t trust my family, trustworthy seeming men, friends, strangers,
or the man I loved the most. Nowhere is safe for me now. Not home, not public,
not drunk, not sober. At any moment my life can be stolen from me, wrecking the
lives of all those I care about because someone wants to rape and chooses me as
their victim. Rape happens in private, so public was the last place I felt
safe. Now not any more.
So as the New Years approached, all I saw was the emptiness
of all my hard work. The unhappy ending to all of my struggling and delayed
gratification. The futility of trying. Its called helplessness and
hopelessness. That makes you incredibly vulnerable to suicide, and believe me,
I have struggled with wanting to live ever since my fiancé abandoned me. NewYears Eve is a celebration of new beginnings and exciting new possibilities.
People like to talk about the new engagements of the holidays. They spend time
with family and friends, all of which has been stolen from me.
So instead of feeling happy or even hopeful I have been
incredibly depressed for the last few days.
You question what life is worth and
what is important when it has been all stolen from you. You feel powerless to
affect change in your life when someone rapes you. They steal the power of your
most intimate space. Physically there is nothing more that you can give them.
Emotionally and spiritually you question nearly everything you know.
For me, I struggled to smile New Years Eve, but I smiled anyways. Instead
of making resolutions, I told myself it was ok if I was depressed and
disappointed. I chose to grieve my losses- my dreams and hopes and loves. I
told myself it was ok, giving myself the space to let it out. Some days are
harder than others. New Years Day was one of them. The only hopes I had for the
future was an end to my grief and a silver lining for my pain. One day I will be whole
again. Until then I will live one day at a time, trying to see the beauty of
each moment.
That’s what rape taught me- that there is beauty in the small
things that people take for granted. Don’t waste those moments. You will regret
it if you take the most precious moments for granted.
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