Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Me I know is back.

At some point, I knew I had to walk away from this blog so that I could begin to live. Every day was living in the past. And I realized I was retraumatizing myself bringing it up every day. Restoring myself to a sexually healthy individual would take me moving on from my memories, so a daily reminder would be counter productive.

But now the me I know is back, and it is time to pick up pretty much where I left off and get to the most important part of this blog. It isn't just about being sensitive to someone when they are at the apex of the trauma, but it is also about guiding the way to healing. We all suffer in this life. That is a given. But using that suffering to make yourself stronger is the best you can do with a tragedy.

This was the Me I missed. I have been through horrible circumstances due to rape, and if it was just the rape, it would not have been so bad. But the problem is how it gets in your head, even when you pick up and vow to be more powerful than before. One minute you are fine, the next you are there again. Sometimes it is an orange streetlight that takes me back. Or sometimes it is the funny way a stranger looks at me. My son tries to sneak up on me to startle me and always wonders why he can't surprise me.

My body is hypersensitive to people sneaking up on me, moving behind my back, getting closer to my personal space. When he is older, I will tell him, but for now, I just leave the idea I am a super mom in his head.

More than once I have mentioned I am a nurse, with a large background in psychiatric nursing. This was a wonderful skill set to help myself recover from this trauma. When the ups and downs came, I already knew what they looked like. Some awkward behavior may be socially unacceptable, but it is necessary for recovery. Some behaviors are scary signs of regression- or return to a less acceptable stage. The best thing from this process is I knew how to gauge my behavior and when to ask for help.

Unfortunately, I had lost a large part of my support network simply from using the word Rape. Every one gets so emotionally charged around that word. The largest thing for me with rape is that it makes me furious that someone can look at me and decide to violate me because I am beautiful. That is not my fault. How can people disrespect another person's boundaries for a quick momentarily satisfying end.

Sex to me is so fun, so incredible, and so sacred. I love it. But it has to be with a special person. Rape makes it so cheap. It takes everything I dislike about sex and glorifies it. The only way I would have a one-night stand is if I meet someone I really like, they are special enough to have sex with, but then they are horrible in bed. What a waste.... And how infuriating to give yourself to someone and find out it is lame!

After this rape I knew I had to be careful. For once I was actually emotionally sensitive (like a baby) when it came to guys and sex, and I could't let it morph the dynamics of a new relationship.